


Domestic & Recreational

by yourmothersmeatloaf



Series: the stupid idiot chronicles [12]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Drugs, F/M, Fights, House Party, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Tags Are Hard, im sorry, theres a lot to this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:08:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 28,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27456247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourmothersmeatloaf/pseuds/yourmothersmeatloaf
Summary: Kageyama and Hinata start college and need to figure out if their relationship has the foundation to support all the new stress.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Iwaizumi Hajime, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Kageyama Tobio/Original Female Character(s), Oikawa Tooru/Sugawara Koushi
Series: the stupid idiot chronicles [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1976683
Comments: 1
Kudos: 12





	1. What Are You Doing Here?

**Author's Note:**

> this story will be the last half of my series, so if you want to full scope of it i suggest reading it:)

High school ended, and Karasuno hadn’t made it back to nationals. They’d made it back to the finals, but could never break through that last game. They hadn’t had great expectations for after their third years left, but it was still disappointing.

The good news was that Hinata made it into the University of Tokyo, by some miracle. He’d be attending with Kenma. In fact, they would be roommates. Even better than that, though, was that Kageyama was immediately picked up by Tokyo’s junior squad. They would keep him trained throughout the year, then start him when he turned nineteen.

Hinata was happy for him, and he was proud. He was not jealous, and he resented the notion. Kageyama told him he’d just have to play college volleyball until they scouted him, but at least he seemed so sure it’d happen.

Kageyama was not terribly thrilled about the rooming with Kenma business. That guy wanted Hinata and was not afraid to show it. Hinata consoled Kageyama that it wouldn’t happen, because he was so hopelessly devoted to their relationship. As entirely comforting as that was, Kageyama’s only solace came from the fact that they’d be in the same city, so he could pop in when he so pleased.

When Hinata had to say goodbye to his family to live on his own for the first time, well, it was hard. The boys stood on the stoop of the home they’d spent so much time in. Hinata’s mother, Elise, and his father, Kenji, stood just inside the door.

Elise ran through a list of things Hinata needed to remember for probably the tenth time by then. Kageyama had his suspicions that she was just trying to prolong the time before her son had to leave her.

“It’s okay, mom, I’ve got everything,” Hinata said.

“I’m going to miss you boys so much,” tears pricked her voice.

Kageyama recalled how much the couple missed their friends once they started university. He couldn’t imagine how they were feeling when it was their son-by-blood and their surrogate child.

When he thought about them readily taking him in after his parents decided they wanted nothing to do with him, he could never keep his eyes dry. The sense of belonging they’d given him was something that could never be paid back.

“You take care of our boy, ya hear?” Kenji asked him.

The words were stern but his voice was soft. It was enough to form a lump in Kageyama’s throat as he nodded.

“I always will,” he promised.

“I’m literally older than him!” Hinata shouted.

Kenji simply ruffled his hair and pulled him into a hug. Elise wrapped her arms around them as Hinata struggled to get away. She met Kageyama’s eye and gestured for him to get in there.

So he did. He relished in the feeling of the genuine love of a parent. Of two parents. He squeezed his eyes against the tears forming, but lost the fight as they slid down his cheeks into Elise’s shoulder. If he were being completely honest with himself, he wasn’t ready to leave them. But it was time to go. It’s not like it’d be forever.

“Alright,” Elise sniffed as she pulled away. “Go catch your bus.”

“Yes, ma’am,” they said together.

They picked up their bags and turned their backs to Hinata’s parents.

“I love you!” Elise called after them with a small laugh.

“Love you, too!” They called back.

-

On their train to the city, Kageyama wondered if his own parents would have been proud. Proud in the way normal parents were proud, not in the clinical, business-like, ‘I can brag about this to my higher ups’, sort of way. His brain leaned towards ‘no’.

He sighed as Hinata placed his feet on his lap from across their booth. He kept his eyes locked on the passing scenery as he rubbed Hinata’s calves. His hands pushed and pulled at the loose, soft fabric cladding his skin.

He knew their relationship would take a hit. They’d been together for two and half years and he knew it was the way Hinata operated. He cracked under pressure. While he was getting better at dealing with tough situations, Kageyama just didn’t think he had enough experience with hardship to have mastered it yet. 

He thought about Sugawara and Oikawa. The latter had gained a spot on Brazil’s team, but Sugawara had still accepted his marriage proposal. They were lucky, they’d still be in the same city. As long as there was a good amount of effort on both ends, he knew they’d be fine.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen your brain work so hard,” Hinata said.

Kageyama glared at him, “Coming from you. I don’t know if you’ve ever completed an entire thought before.”

Hinata cackled as he kicked Kageyama lightly. He smiled back at the ginger.

“No, I’m just thinking about how our lives are about to change,” he said, looking back out the window.

“Don’t start doing that! This is a good thing!” Hinata sat up straight.

“I know,” Kageyama said.

“Then don’t be sad.”

“Who said I was sad?”

“Oh,” Hinata sat back and nudged Kageyama with his foot. “You’re gonna spend the night with me, right?”

Kageyama winced as he thought about being around Kenma for an entire night, but nodded as he said, “Yes.”

They fell back into silence and the thoughts began crowding Kageyama’s head once again. He turned back to say something to Hinata, but found he was asleep. He just smiled at him as he plugged in his headphones and drowned out the world around him.

-

Kageyama helped Hinata carry his bags to his dorm. He’d already moved his own things to his new apartment earlier in the week, so that was one chore down. Now there was this. With every step he took, the dread grew heavier. He didn’t want to see Kenma. He didn’t want to see him so badly, that he’d rather say goodbye in the hallway and just leave. Promise or not. As much as he wanted that, he pushed forward, wanting to see Hinata happy more.

The LEDs in the hallways were straining his eyes in contrast to the darkness they’d walked in from. They walked up a few flights of stairs and turned a few corners. Kageyama watched all the students as he passed. They were all mingling, some seeming to already know each other, others not. He could sense they were nearing Hinata’s room, because the energy became sticky and familiar.

Hinata struggled around his bags to turn the knob and shoved the door open with his foot, “Kenma!”

Kageyama took a deep breath and entered slowly after him, not looking at his boyfriend’s roommate as he put Hinata’s bags down.

“Oh, hey there, Kageyama.”

He looked up and was confronted by Kuroo’s dark eyes. He held back an eye roll as he shook his hand. 

He looked around the room. It was rather organized for having just moved in, but Kenma laid in his unmade bed playing on his Switch. There was already an energy drink can and an empty water bottle on his bedside table. The walls were still uncovered in things, but he was sure Hinata would take care of that in no time. From the looks of it, Kenma was an organized person. It would clash just so terribly with Hinata’s messy nature.

Hinata hovered over Kenma and watched him play. Kageyama felt that familiar frustration that came with being near the ex-Nekoma players build in him. He couldn’t make it through another second of being around them, let along the rest of the night.

“Hey, I should go if I wanna catch the last train to Shibamata,” Kageyama jabbed his thumb towards the door.

Hinata looked up from Kenma’s screen, “Oh, are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’ve got practice in the morning,” Kageyama said, looking away. The energy in the room was smothering him.

“Hey, now, you know that’s not true,” Kuroo smirked.

Any remaining air in the room was instantly sucked away, including that in Kageyama’s lungs. Everyone’s eyes turned to him.

“Excuse me?” Kageyama glared.

“Haven’t you heard? We’re on the same team.”

“What?” Kageyama shouted.

“Yep,” Kuroo folded his arms. “Same team. And I happen to know that you,” he poked Kageyama’s nose and avoided his swatting hands, “don’t have practice in the morning.”

“Keep your goddamn hands off of me,” Kageyama got in his face.

Kuroo raised his hands in defense, “Whoa, guy, calm down. What’s the issue here?”

“What’s your issue?” Kageyama growled.

“Why are you lying?” Kenma asked flatly.

“I’m not lying,” Kageyama said defensively. “I was going to practice in the morning.”

“It’s okay,” Hinata intoned. “You can go.”

“Thank you,” Kageyama pulled away from Kuroo harshly.

“I’ll walk you out,” Hinata said as he placed his hand on the small of Kageyama’s back.

He led his boyfriend out of the room and back to the front of the dormitories. They said nothing the entire way, but Hinata’s hand didn’t leave his back, either. They stood in front of the doors and stared at each other.

“Promise nothing will happen with those guys?” Kageyama asked.

“I promise, jeez,” Hinata looked away. “You need to keep your jealousy under control.”

“I’m sorry,” Kageyama sighed. “They’re not exactly subdued in their approach.”

“What does that mean?”

“...Nothing.”

“He’s my best friend, I’d appreciate it if you’d get along with him.”

Kageyama stayed silent. Hinata sighed and scuffed his toes against the concrete steps. Kageyama placed his hands on his shoulders. When Hinata didn’t look at him, he took him by the chin and manually readjusted his gaze. He all but melted when he stared into those warm amber eyes.

“I’m sorry. I’ll do better. I love you,” Kageyama said.

“I love you, too. You have nothing to worry about at all, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Text me when you make it home?”

“Of course.”

Kageyama pressed a kiss to Hinata’s lips, then his forehead. He started his walk back to the bus stop, overly aware of the piercing gaze on his back.

-

Hinata returned to his room and threw himself down beside Kenma.

“Whatcha doin’?”

“Uh,” Kenma glanced at him. “Zelda.”

“Are you winning?”

“I mean… It doesn’t really work like that…”

“Oh,” Hinata laughed as he rolled onto his back. “How cool is this? We’re roommates!”

“Yeah,” Kenma said.

“I’m so glad you took that gap year!”

Kenma glanced back at him, “Hinata…”

“I know it was because you couldn’t get in last year, but still!”

“Yeah, it should be fun,” Kenma said, eyes glued to his screen.

“Kenma, why don’t you put that down for a bit?” Kuroo asked from where he sat in the desk chair.

“After this,” Kenma mumbled.

“Okay,” Kuroo rolled his eyes. “Shōyō, what’s the deal with Kageyama?”

“What do you mean?” Hinata leaned up to look at him.

“Why’d he threaten me like that?”

“You know how he is,” Hinata waved his hand. When Kuroo seemed unsatisfied with the dismissal, he sighed and continued. “He’s under the impression you guys want to try something with me.”

“Not to be blunt, but it’s Kenma with the fascination. I don’t mind so much either way,” Kuroo said as he sat back and folded his hands behind his head.

“Huh?” Hinata said. “Kenma’s my best friend.”

Kuroo watched Kenma eye Hinata from his peripheral.

“Yeah, shut up, Kuroo.”

“My bad,” Kuroo spun around in the chair.

The tension lifted around them when Kenma screeched upon dying in his game. Hinata laughed at him as he leaned in to see what was happening.

Kuroo checked the clock, “Yeah, I’m gonna head out.”

The other two looked up at him and Hinata asked, “Didn’t you miss the last train?”

“Nah, Liaryama lied,” Kuroo snickered. “Last train runs between midnight and one in the morning.”

Hinata checked the clock and saw it was only 11:25PM. He looked back to Kuroo as he put on his jacket. The tall boy walked over to the bed and looked down at Kenma.

“Gimme a kiss.”

Kenma stared up at him and put his game down, “But Kuroo.” His eyes slipped to Hinata. “Right now?”

“Yes.”

Kenma sighed as he lifted his face some, but made Kuroo close the rest of the distance between them. Hinata looked away awkwardly as they shared their kiss.

“You think there’s gonna be a party tonight,” Hinata asked when the coast was clear. He continued when they both looked at him weirdly, “It’s just, there’s a bunch of people in the halls! And a lot of them had alcohol, so…”

Kenma looked at Kuroo. Kuroo looked at the door.

“There’s gonna be now,” he smirked.

“We’re never gonna get rid of him,” Kenma whispered to Hinata.

“Let’s go meet some people!” Hinata jumped up, taking Kenma by the arm.

“Uh, I really don’t wan-“ Kenma was cut off by Hinata pulling him from the room, Kuroo in tow.

Hinata introduced them to most of the hall before they were invited to the alcohol, located on the floor below. They went down the stairs, Hinata having to drag Kenma every step of the way.

They pushed their way through the crowded room, Kuroo’s height really helping their cause. The tallest of them distributed cups and filled them with varying amounts of alcohol and soda.

“Is this really a good idea? We could get in trouble before school even starts,” Kenma said, looking at his red plastic cup.

“It’s a great idea! If everyone’s doing it then we can’t all get in trouble!” Hinata countered.

“Cheers, then,” Kuroo lifted his cup to theirs and they drank.

“Oh, it’s you.”

Hinata nearly spit out his drink when he heard the voice directly in his ear. He turned to see the old Seijoh player, Iwaizumi.

“Whoa,” Hinata pulled him into an unwilling hug. “Why are you here?”

Iwaizumi pulled away and took a drink from his cup, “I go here. Which makes sense. Why are you here?”

“I go here, too. Do you know a first year or something? Or are you here for the party?” Hinata asked.

“What do you mean?” Iwaizumi squinted.

“The dorms are just for first years?” Hinata said unsurely.

“I am a first year. I spent the last two years taking pre health. Now I’m doing Sports Medicine.”

“That’s awesome!” Kuroo shouted, suddenly come to life.

“Wow, Iwaizumi, you’re actually pretty smart!” Hinata said, nudging him with his elbow.

Iwaizumi glared down at where Hinata nudged him then back at his face, “What’d you say? I don’t think I quite heard you.”

“No!” Hinata yelped as he took a couple step backs. “I didn’t… I didn’t mean—“

Iwaizumi snickered as he patted his cheek and walked away, “I know, kid. I’m actually pretty smart, remember?” He stopped and turned back, “Oh, and I hope you learned to handle your alcohol. I won’t be taking care of you again.” He winked as he turned back.

Hinata’s face flushed as he watched him leave. He felt so dumb. Kuroo laughed at him as he dumped more alcohol into his cup and pushed it up to him.

Hinata looked at his newly filled cup then back up at Kuroo. The tall boy simply said, “We need to catch up.”

Hinata smirked as he downed half of his drink, never taking his eyes from Kuroo’s. The tall boy smiled at him before his mouth twisted unsatisfactorily and he looked around the room.

“Nah, this won’t do,” Kuroo said. He reached into his pocket, pulled out his phone, and started typing away. Hinata watched his face shift from deep focus to excitement.

“Oh, no,” Kenma said.

Hinata cocked his head at him, “What?”

“He’s talking to Bokuto.”

“No way!” Hinata beamed.

“Not you, too…”

“Did you really invite Bokuto?” Hinata pulled on Kuroo’s shirt.

“Indeed I did, short fry,” Kuroo ruffled his hair. “He’ll be here with more alcohol within the hour!”

Kenma walked away from them, seemingly on a mission. Hinata watched him go.

“Where’s he going?”

“Ah, to find more good stuff.”

“Good stuff?”

“Don’t worry,” Kuroo refilled Hinata’s cup and led him away by the small of his back. “He’ll find us.”

-

When Kenma returned, he took Hinata by the hand, interrupting his conversation, and led him back to their room. Kuroo took note and fell into stride with them.

“You get it?”

“You didn’t leave me much of a choice,” Kenma looked at Kuroo.

“I don’t know why you have to be high to hang out with Bokuto.”

“I have to be high to hang out with Bokuto at a party,” Kenma corrected.

Kenma sat on his bed and took out a small bag of cocaine, once Kuroo closed the door. Hinata had flashbacks to the party they had years ago at Oikawa’s house where he’d seen cocaine for the first time in an almost identical situation.

Kuroo looked around the room and perked up when he found a framed photo on Hinata’s bedside table. He took the picture of him, Kageyama and his parents and threw it in front of Kenma on the bed.

“Hey, can-“

“I have razors in the top drawer of the desk,” Kenma interrupted Hinata.

Kuroo retrieved the small box of razor blades and the short metal straw that lay within the drawer. He brought them back to the bed and sat beside Kenma as he removed a blade and dumped the coke on the photo.

He arranged the powder into lines as Hinata frowned. Once it was all ready, Kuroo took the first line and Kenma the second. They spent a moment rubbing their noses.

Bokuto crashed through their door, holding an entire box of alcohol.

“Hey, hey, hey, nerds!”

“Bokuto!” Kuroo and Hinata yelled.

Bokuto’s jaw dropped as he looked between them then excitedly pointed at Hinata.

“Oh, my god! It’s you!” He hastily threw the box on Hinata’s bed before taking him in his strong grasp and noogying him.

“Hi!” Hinata laughed.

Bokuto let him go and leaned down to meet his gaze, as if speaking to a child. “Ready to get trashed?”

“Yeah!” Hinata threw his arms up.

Bokuto took a bottle of tequila and unscrewed the lid, “That’s what we wanna hear.”

He held the bottle to his lips and drank around a full four ounces. Hinata’s jaw dropped.

“Whoa!” He admired how cool he was.

“Your turn!” Bokuto held the bottle to Hinata’s lips until he took it and started drinking.

Hinata gagged at the burning sensation, but Bokuto wouldn’t move his hand. He was forced to drink until Bokuto decided he’d had enough. He wanted to be mad, but really he just wanted to be as cool as his upperclassman.

When the bottle was finally allowed away from his lips, Hinata took a deep breath, doubled over and dry heaved.

Bokuto pulled him up by the shoulder, “Ohh, no. Too early to bitch out now.”

The alcohol hit Hinata so fast. His vision swam and his body felt way too hot. So hot. He looked to the window and considered jumping out of it just to feel the cool air on his skin. The music was quiet. Was it because his hearing was messed up or because the door was shut?

He pressed his shaking hands to his face. Was he shaking? Was it the ground? He didn’t know. He saw movement under the window and saw Kuroo shifting on the bed. He was nothing more than a blurry blob to him.

He was holding something out to him. He stumbled forward and squinted. It was the straw.

“Whoa, Kuroo, you sure about that?” He heard Bokuto ask. His voice sounded so low that only train engines could’ve possibly understood.

“—Helps you feel sober.”

That was all Hinata needed to hear. He reached out and grabbed the straw on his second attempt. He fell to his knees in front of the bed and felt icy fingers run through the front of his hair.

He looked up through his eyelashes and made out the red blur he assumed was Kenma holding his hair back out of his face.

“Cover one nostril and inhale through your nose.”

“I kno’ ‘ow to... do it,” Hinata slurred.

“Right…” Kenma said.

He attempted to line up the straw with his uncovered nostril, but found Kuroo’s hands over his, leading him through the motions. When the powder started rushing through his nose, he wanted to pull away. It stung. He couldn’t breathe. He wanted it to stop. But he also wanted the drunk feeling to leave, so he pushed on until the end of the line.

He fell back onto his feet and looked around the room. He did not feel more sober at all. His body became so much hotter so quickly. His blood felt like it was boiling. So hot he felt cold. The lights pulsed around him, looking almost green. He felt the constant threat of vomit in his throat, but nothing actually came of it.

He stood, steadying himself with the bed. He looked at Kuroo and Kenma, who were both smiling at him. Kuroo’s smile twisted evilly. Hinata glared at him.

“What?” He snapped. “YOU wanted this.”

“Shōyō?” Kenma asked.

Hinata’s head snapped over to him, his vision moving at two frames per second. Every shape left a pink stain on his vision for a beat too long.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Hinata breathed. “I’m gonna… I need. Walk.”

He turned to walk out the door but immediately tripped into Bokuto.

“I’ll go with you,” he said, looking down at the ginger.

Hinata’s eyes widened as he reached up and took hold of Bokuto’s face with both hands, “Pretty.”

Bokuto laughed, “Thank you.” He took Hinata’s hand and intertwined their fingers. “Ready to go for a walk?”

“Yeah,” Hinata never looked away from his eyes.

“Okay,” Bokuto said, waiting for him to move. “Let’s go.”

He ended up having to drag Hinata to get him moving. Once they were in the hall, they attracted a lot of stares. Half was due to Bokuto’s height and size, the other half because Hinata kept striking up conversation with every stranger unfortunate enough to get too close.

He was feeling good. Really good. His temperature either evened out or his body went into distress to ignore the pain. He didn’t care. He just wanted to talk to someone. He wanted to dance with someone. He wanted someone to touch him. But someone was touching him.

Hinata looked down at their interlocked fingers and felt his face heat up when he saw just how big Bokuto’s hands were. Then, he saw the bottle of tequila in his other hand.

He reached around him and stole it, then held it up so the bigger boy could undo the lid. Once it was open, he tipped the bottle back and drank the equivalent of three shots.

“Easy,” Bokuto said, snatching the bottle back.

“I see you found yourself a new babysitter. I know it’s what I asked for, but I’m offended.”

Hinata turned and saw Iwaizumi once again. He shook his hand free from Bokuto and hugged him tightly.

“Oh, my god! I missed you so much!”

“Whoa, you just saw me like… two hours ago,” Iwaizumi said, slowly patting his back. “You’re so hot, holy shit.”

“You think so?” Hinata pulled away and squinted at him.

“That’s not…” Iwaizumi sighed. “I meant you’re warm.”

Bokuto laughed so hard he wheezed. Iwaizumi seemed to notice him for the first time, because he smiled largely when he looked at him.

“Bokuto!”

“Hey, hey, hey,” Bokuto winked.

“How’ve you been?” Iwaizumi slapped his hand in greeting.

“Fantastic. Playing for Japan is nuts. It’s gonna be even more wild when Kageyama is actually on our starting squad.”

“I bet,” Iwaizumi said flatly.

They stared at each other awkwardly, with Hinata between them. Hinata groaned loudly.

“I’m bored!”

“Here,” Bokuto handed him back the bottle.

Iwaizumi eyed him up as he drank more then staggered a bit. He saw people pointing at Hinata and giggling.

“Okay, yikes,” he said, taking the bottle from Hinata. “Let’s go sit down.”

“I don’ wanna,” Hinata whined. “I wanna danshe!”

“Okay, you can dance in your room,” Iwaizumi held his hand much like Bokuto had and started dragging him back down the hall.

Bokuto took him by the other hand once he noticed how happy Iwaizumi made him. They walked him down the hall, like two parents with a young child, and all but shoved him into his room.

Hinata held tightly to their hands as he held them up, “I haf TWO boyfrien’s now.”

Kenma and Kuroo looked at him curiously.

“What about Kageyama?”

“Oh, yeah!” Hinata laughed. “Guess ‘M just po’ular.”

Kenma blinked at him, “Yeah. We were about to take the rest of this. You want some?”

Hinata knelt before the bed again, “Yeah.”

“Whoa!” Iwaizumi shouted. “No one told me he’s high.”

“He can make his own decisions,” Kuroo scolded.

Iwaizumi scowled, “Are _you_ going to take care of him?”

“Have been this whole time. It’s a collaborative effort.”

Iwaizumi glared on, knowing his night was shot. He’d have to spend the rest of it monitoring a teenager high on cocaine. How’d he get so lucky? Hinata took the straw from Kenma and repeated his motions from before, once again with Kuroo’s help. It was much easier the second time, knowing what to expect.

The lights pulsed harder around him. He closed his eyes and waited for his body to regain its composure. Once he felt his blood was a normal temperature again, he turned back around. He sat back and leaned against the bed as Kenma and Kuroo took their last lines.

“Sum’un danshe with me,” he said.

Bokuto downed four large gulps of tequila and felt the beat from the hallway. He swung the dorm’s door back open so the music could blast at its full potential. He grabbed Hinata by the hand and began jumping around with him. Kuroo joined them after a moment.

Hinata laughed loudly, being twirled between the two boys. He spun and tripped over Bokuto’s foot and fell backwards onto the bed.

“I fee’ like if I die righ’ now, it woul’n’t even madder.”

Iwaizumi had enough. He slipped out the door and found Kageyama’s contact in his phone and dialed.

-

Kageyama sat at the train station, and looked at his phone. He’d been there for hours just chasing his own thoughts around in circles. He felt terrible about leaving. He really should have stayed like how he promised Hinata he would. He should have tried to get along with his friends. He checked the time.

‘It’s not too late,’ he thought. ‘I can go back.’

His body stayed rooted to the bench he was on. What if Hinata was angry with him and didn’t want him to go back? If it were him, he’d be pretty angry. He bounced his knee as he scrolled through his contacts.

He stopped at “Mom In Law” and dialed. Hinata’s mom answered on the fourth ring.

“Tobio?”

“Hi, Elise.”

“What’s going on, sweetie?”

“I’m sorry to call to complain, I’m just not too sure what to do right now. I promised Hin- Shōyō I’d stay the night at the dorm with him, but Kuroo and Kenma were there. My anxiety got too high and I left. But now I feel terrible and— I. Should I go back?”

“Do you want to go back?”

“Yes.”

“Then what’s stopping you?”

Kageyama blinked slowly. He pictured Hinata yelling at him, telling him to make a decision and stick with it. He’d tell him that while he was gone Kuroo explained how annoying he was and he was leaving him.

“What if he’s mad? He’s probably mad. I think I should give him space. I don’t want him to yell at me.”

“Tobio… Breathe.”

He took a shaky breath and continued listening.

“Has Shōyō ever yelled at you before?” Her voice was without judgement.

“...Yes.”

“Outside of volleyball?”

“No.”

“Why would he yell at you now?”

Kageyama wanted to explain his thoughts but thinking about saying them aloud felt ridiculous. He felt his cheeks flame up, he couldn’t believe he bothered her for that.

“You’re right. I’m sorry.”

“Do you actually understand? Or are you just saying that?” Her voice was gentle.

“I actually understand. Thank you.”

“I’m always here, sweetie.”

“I don’t deserve you.”

“Don’t say that! You head back there, now, okay? Text me, so I know you’re safe.”

“Okay, I will. I love you.”

“I love you, too, Tobio. Goodnight, sweetie.”

“Goodnight, mom,” he smiled as he hung up the phone.

Just as he was about to put the phone back in his pocket, it rang. It was an unknown number but he felt the strange pull to answer it. He slid to answer and pressed the phone to his ear.

“Hello?”

There was dull music in the background and heavy breathing on the other line. Right before he was about to speak again, he heard the other person.

“Kageyama. It’s Iwaizumi. From high school.”

“Oh, hey,” Kageyama frowned. “What’s up, dude?”

“Listen… Where are you?”

“The train station.”

“Can you get to the university?”

“That...was the plan?”

When there was only muffled music and static on the other end of the call he continued, “Why?”

“Bokuto!” He heard someone yell in the background, followed quickly with laughter. He frowned deeper. The noises were happy but his skin crawled. 

“Just hurry, please.” Iwaizumi’s voice strained. He spoke quickly then hung up even quicker.

Kageyama held the phone in front of him and frowned at it. All at once, his body moved. He ran out of the station and back towards the school. He didn’t allow himself to stop. Even when he felt his lungs would explode, he pushed on.

Every time his feet hit the ground he heard, ‘something’s wrong, something’s wrong, something’s wrong’.

He shoved his way through the crowded halls of the dorm, squinting against the change in lighting. He made his way up the stairs, charging to Hinata’s room. His anxiety peaked when he saw Iwaizumi standing by the door, arms folded, looking entirely pissed off.

When Iwaizumi noticed Kageyama he held a hand against his chest to hold him back.

“What are you doing? Let me in!”

“You need to calm down.”

Kageyama glared at him, then when he knew he wouldn’t back down, he rolled his eyes then took a few deep breaths.

“What’s going on?”

“You’ll see when you go in.”

“Then let me in!” Kageyama yelled.

“Calm the fuck down!”

Kageyama took more deep breaths, anxiety blinding him. When Iwaizumi was content with his outer emotional state, he moved aside to let him in the room.

What Kageyama saw made him want to throw up. Kenma was braiding Bokuto’s hair while Kuroo and Hinata had a drinking competition. That wasn’t too bad. It was the details that made it sickening. The empty bottles scattered around them, the crushed cigarettes on the floor, then, the powder dusted photo on the bed.

The worst was the photo they’d used had been of them with Hinata’s parents. The fact that he’d disrespect their family that way.

“Hinata!” Kageyama yelled.

“Oh, my god!” Hinata ran up to him and pulled him into a hug. “Hi, baybee. You came bak.”

Kageyama held his arms out, in an attempt to not touch him.

“What have you done?”

“What do you mean?” Hinata pulled away to look at him.

Kageyama looked into his eyes and saw his pupils were enormous. They took up an overwhelming amount of his irises. He closed his eyes and turned his face to the ceiling.

“You’re high.”

Hinata’s silence was deafening. Kageyama pulled away completely.

“Why would you do this?” Kageyama yelled.

“Can you fucking relax for once? We’re with friends. It’s a party. Have some fun, Jesus.” Hinata’s voice didn’t slur for the first time in hours.

Kageyama stared angrily back at Hinata’s glare.

“Let me make one thing clear to you,” Kageyama stepped into Hinata’s personal space. He pointed behind the ginger to Kuroo, Kenma and Bokuto, “These people are not your friends.”

He moved his finger behind himself to Iwaizumi, “That guy right there? He is the only friend you have in this room right now.”

“I really don’t understand why you’re being such an ass!”

“I really don’t understand why you’re being so fucking stupid! That shit could kill you.”

They seethed in each other’s faces, the tension in the room was high. Bokuto looked to Kuroo, unsure what to do. Kuroo just shrugged at him, his face reading, ‘that’s Kageyama for ya’.

“I’m so disappointed in you,” Kageyama whispered.

The sudden shift in tone caused Hinata’s anger to snap. It turned to dust in front of him and blew away in the wind. He felt himself fall into a hole of sadness and self reproach.

“I’m sorry,” Hinata whispered.

“Yeah?” Kageyama scoffed. “Me too.”

“I won’t do it again.”

“I’d hope not.”

“I promise.”

“...Okay,” Kageyama turned from him. “I’m going the fuck home. Get your shit together.”

He started out of the room and whispered as he passed Iwaizumi, “Thank you. I’m sorry.”

A long moment passed before anyone spoke.

“He’s fun at parties,” Kenma said.

“Oof, coming from you,” Kuroo laughed.

Hinata covered his face with his hands. His mood had turned. Once elated and euphoric was now devastated and terribly, terribly dark.

He kept his back to the group, walked past Iwaizumi and out into the hall. He didn’t stop until the damp air hit his face outside. He slumped down on the stairs outside of the dorm and let the tears take him. He bawled helplessly into his hands, uncaring who witnessed it.

“I can’t help but feel like we’ve been here before,” Iwaizumi said as he sat next to him, taking his jacket off and placing it around Hinata’s shoulders. 

“Did...Did he just break up with me?” Hinata asked.

“No, I don’t think so. I think he just needs some space.”

“This is so stupid.”

“Yeah. You really shouldn’t touch that stuff.”

“It was my first time.”

“And last?”

“...Yeah.”

They stared into the darkness ahead of them. Iwaizumi looked over to Hinata. He recalled the first time they’d ever really interacted. It was at Oikawa’s house that one time they had that party. That was over two years ago.

He’d just found out that Oikawa was with Sugawara, and he felt like his heart was stolen from him permanently. Then, he was saddled with the task of taking care of one lightweight ginger. He knew it was wrong, he knew he had someone, but he felt a small spark of hope was handed back to him.

He knew it was still wrong, and he knew he still had someone, but he couldn’t help but feel that little spark light in him whenever he saw the ginger. Whenever he spoke to him or broke out in his explosive movements and energetic outbursts. He just made him… feel.

Iwaizumi sighed at the heartbroken demeanour Hinata took on. He reached out and grabbed his face, wiping his tears with his sleeve. He kept Hinata’s face in his hands and stared intently into his eyes. It was all too familiar.

“Don’t cry.”

“What? Didn’t you see what just happened?”

Iwaizumi felt his heart clench at the idea of having to call Kageyama at all. Hinata’s boyfriend. Long term boyfriend. He hated that he couldn’t just handle it himself. He pushed the thought away.

“Don’t cry,” he repeated. “It’s over. Nothing is going to change for right now. Focus on the moment in front of you.”

Hinata blinked at him, “Yeah.”

It wasn’t like he was falling in love. No, he didn’t think he could love anyone unless they were named Tōru Oikawa. Unless they had brown hair and equally brown eyes. Unless they shared their childhood and all of their formative memories. But something about the boy in front of him made him believe… that maybe he could.

“Tonight, you can still have fun. Worry about fighting with Kageyama when it happens. But right now, we’re here and we’re drunk. Why waste an opportunity?”

“You’re right,” Hinata allowed himself a small smile.

He thought of them on Oikawa’s stoop. He thought of how Hinata’s hair felt against his cheek that night. He thought of how warm his hand was when he touched his cheek and how intense his gaze was.

He willed his hands to move from Hinata’s face. He made himself stand and offered a hand down to him.

“Let’s go. Our friends are waiting for us.”

Hinata took his hand and allowed himself to be pulled up. He smiled warmly but shyly at Iwaizumi as he passed by to reenter the building. Iwaizumi watched him walk, noting how his shoulders had broadened significantly since the last time they’d really seen each other. His jacket filled out perfectly over his back.

‘That’s new,’ he thought.

-

Back in the room, Bokuto was sleeping on the floor and his hair was beautifully braided. Kuroo and Kenma were missing and Iwaizumi had to assume the worst. He silently made his way to Hinata’s bed and started making it up.

Hinata hung back and wanted to help, but the way Iwaizumi was moving, he knew he’d only be in the way.

“You’re so good at that,” Hinata laughed. “You could be a housekeeper.”

“While housekeeping is my passion,” Iwaizumi glanced back at him, “It simply does not pay well enough.”

He stood as he finished making the bed and Hinata immediately fell back onto it, “Yeah, it’d be a shame for you to waste that brain power, anyways.”

Iwaizumi eyed him up, “Yeah. Are you okay? Gonna sleep?”

He inwardly winced at the disappointment in his voice. He just hoped Hinata didn’t hear it.

“I think so. I’m really tired.”

“Okay.”

Iwaizumi turned and threw a throw blanket over Bokuto without any grace.

“Oaf,” he muttered as Bokuto cuddled into the blanket that didn’t even cover him from shoulders to feet.

He moved to the door, stepping over debris from the party, and went to flip off the lights when he heard Hinata speak.

“You can stay. If you want.”

Iwaizumi looked at him. His face said, ‘please don’t leave me alone with them’. He nodded. Hinata shifted over in the bed, allowing ample space for two.

‘In his bed?’ Iwaizumi thought. ‘Kageyama would throw a fit the likes of which Tokyo had never seen.’

He hastily flipped the lights out before his blush could be visible. He groped his way through the dark to the bed. He felt his jacket hanging off the edge of the bed and pushed it to the floor. He rolled onto the mattress and pulled the covers over him.

He felt stiff, laying on his back. He normally slept on his stomach but he felt too awkward to move. When he felt Hinata shift beside him, he took the opportunity and rolled to his stomach.

“I don’t get why he can’t just have fun,” Hinata whispered.

“You mean tonight or always?”

“Both, I guess.”

Iwaizumi moved his arms so they were crossed under his chest and he could lean up a bit, “You have a lot of potential. He doesn’t want to see you lose it all over a good night.”

Hinata was silent for a moment and Iwaizumi returned to laying down. He rested his head against his arms and closed his eyes.

“If you’re always so focused on the future you’ll lose the present. There’s always more future to think about,” Hinata mumbled.

“Until there isn’t.”

“Yeah, I guess. But then there’s nothing to think about at all.”

He felt Hinata roll onto his side. Iwaizumi reopened his eyes, adjusting to the darkness. He saw Hinata propping his head against his hand, staring at him.

“That’s something you’ll have to tell him,” Iwaizumi said. “Take your own advice. You’re thinking about the future right now.”

“You’re right.”

“I think you’ll find I usually am.”

Hinata snorted and Iwaizumi wanted to bury his face away. He didn’t make any obvious movements. This meant nothing to Hinata. He had to keep reminding himself.

He always found himself in the position of glorified babysitter. The voice of reason. He wished he could just, for once, be the one in the wrong. Make some mistakes. But making mistakes on purpose made you an asshole.

He exhaled sharply and immediately ceased breathing all together as he felt Hinata’s pinkie rest against his own. He did all he could to keep his face even as he regained his breath. He focused on keeping his eyes shut until he heard soft snoring from beside him.

He opened his eyes and saw Hinata asleep, laying on his side. The way his arm was positioned, the side of his hand pressed against his own. He slowly moved his hand away and resisted the urge to touch his face or pet his hair. Allowing himself even that much would leave him wanting more.

He’d lived that before. It wasn’t desirable.

Besides, he had someone. And he genuinely liked Kageyama. He’d come such a long way from middle school. He couldn’t do that to him. Not that he’d have the chance to betray him, anyway.

Iwaizumi sighed. The teal light from Kenma’s digital clock illuminated Hinata’s flyaways and eyelashes. The curves of his cheeks were outlined, too. His jaw had become sharper since high school, but that was to be expected. He really was beautiful. There was just something about him that made him desirable. 

‘Kageyama’s gonna have to work hard to keep him,’ Iwaizumi thought. ‘It’s hard when everyone wants what you have.’

He watched Hinata and his mind wandered until he hated himself. He closed his eyes and fought off the spark in his chest until he fell into a restless sleep.


	2. Free Churro

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im sorry

Kageyama laid in his bed, alternating between tossing a volleyball above his head and picking up his phone. He didn’t know what he was waiting for. Hinata to call him? To tell him how sorry he was? Unlikely to happen.

His brain kept moving to call Elise, but he didn’t know if it was worth bothering her that late for something that probably wouldn’t happen again. His brain was trying to strangle him.

What if after he left, Hinata took more drugs? What if he overdosed all because he’d yelled at him? What would he do then?

Ice pricked up his arms and froze his chest. His breathing became shallow. Oh, god.

The ball fell on his ribs when he neglected to catch it. He reached back and picked his phone up again. He stared at the screen. Nothing.

He opened his contacts and his thumb hovered over ‘Mom In Law’. The hesitation in his fingers made him feel stiff all over. He groaned loudly as he threw his phone back onto his bed. He rolled over and stared around his nearly empty room.

He never lived on his own before. When he lived with his parents it was pretty similar since they were never home, but this was his first chance to create his own space. He relished the opportunity to have as little clutter as humanly possible.

Still, though, he missed Hinata’s clutter. His mess and his loud personality. They spent most of the past two years living together in some capacity, but now he was about an hour away. Things would be different. He supposed he had to get used to it.

It was a one time thing. He promised. But Kageyama had also promised he’d spend the night with him. If he’d just stayed… It was his fault.

“Argh!” He sat up and threw the ball to the floor.

Hinata was his own person. He made his own decisions, for better or for worse. It wasn’t fair to blame himself for what happened. If he can’t be trusted to be on his own and do what was best for himself, then… Then what?

What if he took those drugs and suddenly his option to Kenma and Kuroo became much more appealing? What if his ability to make sound choices was altered due to the drugs? What if he ruined everything they’d built?

He needed to go back. He stood and pulled his jacket over his pyjama shirt and shoved his feet into his shoes. What if it was too late? He stormed to the door. Once his hand was on the knob, his body froze.

That was psychotic. He shouldn’t need to monitor all of Hinata’s movements. He wasn’t his parent. How overbearing could he be? If that’s what Hinata wanted to do, he should let him. It wasn’t his place to dictate his life like that. He removed his hand from the knob and turned back as he began peeling his jacket off.

That being said… If he was going to wrong him like that, what would keep him from hiding it? He should really go and confront him. Catch him in the act, so there was no room for deniability. He pulled his jacket back over his shoulders and turned back to the door. It wasn’t just his own life he was messing with, but Kageyama’s, too. It wasn’t right.

He stared at the wooden barricade before him. But who was to say that’s what he was doing at all? Maybe he’d just gone to bed. He was probably asleep. Kageyama had likely ruined the night, and they’d all called it quits and gone their separate ways.

His legs turned to lead and the freezing feeling creeped back up his body. Everyone probably hated him. They were having a good time until he showed up and ruined it. He yelled at Hinata in front of all of his friends. They probably wondered what it was like behind closed doors, after that. But he wasn’t a bad person. He didn’t normally yell. Unless… He did. He did actually yell quite a bit. But he never actually felt angry at Hinata. Not normally, anyways. What were they saying about him?

Who cares what they think? He stared down at his shoes. He didn’t like them, anyways. They didn’t know what their relationship was really like. Hinata made a huge mistake. He needed to be told so, in case he didn’t see it. What was wrong with that?

But… What if Hinata was angry at his reaction? What if he was telling his friends about how terrible and abusive Kageyama was. Was he abusive? He didn’t know anymore. What if Hinata was angry enough to push the situation? What if he was angry enough to cheat? He had every opportunity in front of him to do so.

Kageyama clutched his heart. What if it was all over? So soon? So easily. He attempted to pull air into his lungs. It felt like they were only working at half capacity. His heart was attempting to escape him. He felt it pulse back into his palm before it even fully disappeared. Was he having a panic attack?

No, this was a rational reaction to the situation he was in.

He closed his eyes and felt the room spin. The world was crashing down around him. Was it his fault? How could he know? Was Hinata okay? He was probably dead.

“Oh, god,” Kageyama breathed.

He was probably dead. He could see a ginger corpse lying in its bed with foam around the mouth. He could see that Kenma and Kuroo feigning sadness before attempting to cover the scene as an accidental suicide overdose. He could see Elise and Kenji bawling as they angrily pointed the police over to him.

“No, no, no,” Kageyama repeated the entire way back to his bedroom.

He took his phone in his shaking hands and he dialed Hinata. He felt the tears sting his eyes. He didn’t even try to fight them, he had something more important to deal with.

“Pick up!” He screamed at the fifth ring.

His vision was hazy, between the panic and the tears. His throat was glazed over with mucus as his crying became more hysterical. He held his phone away from him and swore as it went to voicemail.

“One more time,” he strained as he redialed.

Every ring felt like it went on for an eternity. At the end of each one, his ears pricked, thinking it’d been answered, only for his soul to crush more each time he was wrong.

“Hello?”

Someone had answered. But that someone wasn’t Hinata. Why wasn’t it Hinata? Who was it? And why were they on his phone? There was no noise in the background. The party was over. Unless Hinata went somewhere quiet with someone else and… 

“Hello?” The voice repeated.

“Who is this?” Kageyama said.

His voice was thick. He was clearly distressed, but he didn’t care. He wanted to know why this stranger was answering Hinata’s phone with a voice that sounded like it came out of a forty year long sleep.

“Hajime Iwaizumi.”

“Iwa…” Kageyama let out a shaky breath. “It’s just you.”

“Yeah… It’s just me.”

The relief that filled Kageyama was insurmountable. Iwaizumi must’ve been taking care of Hinata for him. Which meant his boyfriend was okay. Iwaizumi would never let anything happen to someone. He was too good.

“What do you need?” Iwaizumi asked.

“I… was worried,” Kageyama said. “I thought… Well, I don’t know. He’s okay?”

“He’s okay.”

There was a pause where all he heard was soft static, then someone on the other end shifted.

“Is that all?”

“Are you with him?” Kageyama asked.

“I answered his phone, so.”

“Why didn’t he?”

“He’s asleep.”

“Yeah?”

Iwaizumi sighed, “I promise he’s okay. Nothing will happen to him as long as I’m around.”

Kageyama winced. It sounded like an accusation. Iwaizumi was really saying he should be the one to be there. That he was a bad boyfriend. That if he had any grace in him, he’d leave Hinata so he could find someone worthy of the air they breathed.

“Are you okay? Everything’s good. I was pretty mad when I saw what was happening, too.”

“You don’t think I overreacted?” Kageyama asked.

Maybe he wasn’t telling him he was so terrible, after all. Maybe he was having a panic attack. Maybe this conversation was the overreaction.

“No, I mean, it’s a tough situation. It’s hard when you know better than someone in a particular moment, but it’s really their own decision, right?”

“Right…”

Kageyama noted that Iwaizumi was the perfect combination between Daichi and Oikawa. He was easily respectable, knew how to read every situation and person, and always knew what to say. He didn’t know how he did it. He was so level headed.

“Get some sleep. Think about this tomorrow. It’s so late.”

“I’m sorry for keeping you awake. And… Thank you. Very much.”

“Uh huh,” Iwaizumi yawned. “Later.”

The call dropped before Kageyama could respond. He stared down at his phone, feeling like the hugest asshole to ever live. It didn’t seem too much like Iwaizumi minded. He never seemed to care about much, though. He always went with the flow, whichever the way the wind blew.

Kageyama was brought back to middle school. He relived the shock of Oikawa going to slap him. He heard the firm slap of skin on skin. Only, it wasn’t Oikawa’s hand on his face, it was Oikawa’s hand on Iwaizumi’s arm. He hadn’t realized in the moment, but Iwaizumi really saved him and Oikawa from a lot that day.

Kageyama wondered if he noticed that himself. If Iwaizumi really knew the impact he had on people. He found himself wishing he had that kind of impact. That kind of energy; respectable, authoritative.

He slumped onto his bed and let out a large sigh and felt the weight of his body once the adrenaline had gone. He was suddenly excruciatingly exhausted. He slipped his shoes off and fell back onto the mattress, falling asleep still in his jacket.

-

“Over here!” Hinata yelled, throwing his hand up.

Kenma passed him the ball as he jumped. He made near perfect contact with it and sent it right past his teammate’s head and into the floor on the other side of the net.

“Alright!” He beamed as he high fived Kenma.

“We’re doing pretty well,” Kenma said.

“Yeah, well, you’re not the only spiker,” Iwaizumi said. “How about passing one my way every now and then?”

“Ha, oops,” Hinata said, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Take five, guys,” their coach shouted.

“Sir!”

Hinata moved to the bench where he sat heavily and gulped water down. It was weird being on a team without Kageyama. He’d never quite done that before. Kenma was a good setter, but he doubted he’d ever be on the same level as Kageyama. He doubted anyone could be. In terms of pure chemistry, he knew no one could ever.

He looked around the large gymnasium he got to practice in. He never thought he’d get to this level, even if it was only college. He didn’t intend to stop there, either. He was going all the way. Now that they weren’t on the same team, Hinata could fulfill his promise in taking Kageyama down. He didn’t care if they were dating, he would be the last one on the court.

“How’s it going with Kageyama?”

He met Iwaizumi’s eye and watched him rub his face and neck with a towel. Sometimes it made him uneasy how the guy seemed to read his mind.

“Ah, well…” Hinata looked away.

“Still that bad?”

It’d been about three weeks since the cocaine incident. Originally they’d planned to video chat once a week, since between classes, practices and Kageyama’s new position on a professional team, in-person meetups were hard to arrange. The first call had been incredibly awkward, and Hinata made an excuse to leave it early on. The second call was worse off than the first, and the third just never ended up happening.

“I mean, we’ve texted a bit. Not much, but it’s something.”

Iwaizumi hummed as he reached for his water bottle. Hinata moved aside so he could reach better.

“I’m still mad at him. He totally humiliated me. He could’ve said that stuff to me privately instead of making that huge scene.”

“Yeah, that’s true. Have you told him that?”

Hinata sighed. He hadn’t told him much of anything. He didn’t really want to. He wanted Kageyama to come to that conclusion on his own and apologize. Things could be good again after that.

“He seemed pretty upset with himself when he tried calling you that night,” Iwaizumi said.

“He should tell me that himself, then,” Hinata countered as he stood.

Iwaizumi just shrugged. Then the phone on the wall near the gym door started ringing. They watched as the manager went to answer. That phone never rang.

“Hinata, it’s for you,” she called.

“Weird,” Hinata frowned and jogged over to take the receiver from her.

No one ever called when he was at practice. If they did, he’d just call them back when he was done. No one ever needed to tell him so badly they used the emergency line he provided. It couldn’t be good. It had to be very, very bad. At first there was only static, but the energy he was getting made the hairs on the back of his neck stand at attention.

“Hello?” Hinata asked.

“Shoyo Hinata?” An unfamiliar woman asked.

“Speaking.”

“Hello, this is Aiko Sakai calling from Sendai City Hospital.”

The entire world around him ceased to exist. Darkness clouded his vision as panic built up in the back of his throat. He wanted to say something, anything, but his brain was busy thinking of worst case scenarios.

“I regret to inform you that your mother has been involved in a serious motor vehicle collision and is in critical condition in our facility. We’ve been asked to contact you, as well as one Mr. Tobio Kageyama, and advise that you arrive as soon as you are able. Our time may be short.”

“How short?” Hinata whispered.

The woman’s voice softened, “I suggest you leave immediately.”

All he could hear was his own heartbeat and breathing. He felt like he was leaving his body. He needed to move. He had to move. Why wouldn’t his body move? The receiver slipped from his hand and banged against the wall.

‘Just take one step. You have to go!’ He screamed at himself in his head.

He felt himself being grabbed. He was forced to look into his coach’s face. He was saying something, but Hinata couldn’t hear him.

“--Going on?”

The world came back to him. Adrenaline ran through his veins. He had to go. He needed to go. He was going to go.

He shoved his coach off of him and dashed for his phone. He could hear people yelling at him, but he couldn’t care. He dialed Kageyama and held the phone to his ear as he grabbed his coat and ran for the door. He didn’t change his clothes or his shoes. There wasn’t time.

He ran through the campus, calling Kageyama twice more before getting through to him.

“Why are you calling me like this? My coach is pissed.”

“Train station. Now.”

“What? Why? I can’t leave right now. You know that.”

“Stop fucking with me!” Hinata snarled, ignoring the looks from passersby. “Get to the train station. Meet me there. Right now. We need to go home.”

Kageyama must have sensed the urgency in his voice because all he said was, “Okay.”

Hinata screamed, oblivious to the tears on his face and the scene he was causing. He wouldn’t stop running. Not until he got there. How could something like this happen? It wasn’t fair!

-

When Hinata got to the station, he bought their tickets in a very rushed and rude way, earning him a very unhappy stare from the retailer. He stood on the platform, pacing around in circles until Kageyama finally showed up.

“Hinata--”

“Where have you been?” Hinata rounded on him.

Kageyama took a startled step back. He took in Hinata’s lack of composure, his blotchy face, red eyes and snotty nose. The ginger was in his practice uniform, pinny and all. He even still wore his volleyball shoes. He felt his heart exit the call. It had to be bad. Devastating, even.

“What… Is going on?”

“Someone killed my mom!” Hinata screamed.

People stared on shamelessly at the show he was putting on. Kageyama’s eyes couldn’t open wider. The air was sucked from his lungs as his mind reeled. He lost all feeling in his body. What did that mean? She was murdered? That couldn’t be right.

“Your mom is dead?”

“Not yet. We need to hurry,” Hinata spoke quickly, looking up and down the tracks. “Where the fuck is this train?”

Kageyama rubbed his face then rested his hands over his eyes, “Okay. I’m confused. Walk me through this.”

“Now is not the time for you to be stupid,” Hinata glared at him.

“I’’m not trying to be stupid, Shoyo. I don’t have any information,” Kageyama’s voice was gentle.

“Someone hit my mom with their car and now she’s dying in the hospital. And we’re here. Not there! What more information do you need?” Hinata yelled.

“Oh,” Kageyama said, the news not processing. “I guess… I guess that’s all.”

He wasn’t sure what to do with himself. He wanted to comfort Hinata, but also wanted to avoid his wrath. He opted to stare at his feet in silence while Hinata paced until the train arrived.

Once it did, they boarded and took seats close to the doors. Kageyama sat and placed his folded hand into his lap, leaning forward. Hinata bounced his knees impatiently until he gave up and paced around the aisle. His demeanour was bordering on aggressive.

“Listen,” Kageyama said quietly. “This is the fastest way there. We can only wait for now.”

“It’s still two hours, Kageyama! You expect me to sit there for two hours while my mom could die at any moment?”

Kageyama winced as Hinata stopped in front of him. He brought his hands to his hair and tugged lightly.

“Okay. You’re right. I’m sorry.”

“Whatever,” Hinata said as he moved again.

Kageyama sighed and took to reading the various advertisements and PSAs on the walls of the train. Hinata continued to pace, despite the glares from the other passengers. Kageyama closed his eyes and braced himself as Hinata once again stopped in front of him. Only, no explosive anger came out.

Instead, Hinata crouched in front of him and put his head between Kageyama’s knees. Then, he cried. Loudly and without restraint. He steadied himself using Kageyama’s legs as he howled. Kageyama hesitantly reached out and pet his hair. The image was enough to drive tears to his eyes as well. He knew he had to be strong, but seeing Hinata like that broke him. The image of Elise in the hospital… The knowledge that she would not be returning from it. It was all too much.

He leaned down and pressed his forehead against Hinata’s hair. He allowed himself to cry. He held the sides of Hinata’s hair and Hinata’s grip on his sweatpants tightened. They steadied each other.

“This isn’t fair,” Hinata said.

“No, it isn’t.”

“Why does this have to happen?”

Kageyama was forced to move his head as Hinata looked up at him. His eyes opened into a sea of hurt and confusion, they implored him for answers he didn’t have. Kageyama couldn’t look into them any longer. He closed his eyes, shielding himself from Hinata’s intensity, and pulled his boyfriend up into a tight embrace.

He didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t tell him it would be okay, because he knew it wasn’t. What else could you say in a situation like that? Telling him they’d get through it felt wrong. He had the feeling that anything he said just then would be rejected. So, he said nothing at all. He just held Hinata closely as they cried together.

-

Arriving at the hospital was a blur. He struggled to keep up with Hinata, as the ginger was running on pure adrenaline. The shock hadn’t worn off of Kageyama which kept him sluggish. He pushed himself to keep going. Hinata didn’t stop until he reached the nurse, or receptionist, or person, at the front desk.

“Hinata. Elise. Room.” When the woman stared on in shock as Hiinata panted he said, “Please.”

“Who are you?”

“Shoyo Hinata. My mother. Please. You called me.”

She nodded and referred to her computer, “She’s on the Intensive Care Unit. Follow the blue lines in the halls and they will provide you with more information once you’re there.”

Hinata bowed hastily as he thanked her and he was off again. He pushed through the doors, which Kageyama barely missed being clobbered by. He tried his damnedest to keep up as they followed the blue line in the hall, leading to another set of doors. Hinata attempted to pull them open, but they were locked.

Kageyama located a buzzer on the wall and pressed the button. It buzzed flatly and a voice came from the other side.

“Name and purpose of visit?”

Hinata ran to the speaker and yelled into it, “Shoyo Hinata, my mother is here, please let me in!”

The door buzzed and unlocked, allowing them entrance. They walked into a middle room, where there were four sinks, two on either side of them. They washed their hands hurriedly, but thoroughly. Hinata yanked the last set of doors open and approached the desk.

“Please, I need to see her,” he begged.

A nurse stood, holding a clipboard and moved to their side of the desk. She stared sympathetically at Hinata.

“I understand the severity of the situation, but I have to ask you to be more quiet. Out of respect to the other patients and families.” She continued when Hinata nodded, “Come with me.”

They followed her to one of the many doors branching off from the main room. She pushed the door open and allowed them in first. The smell of sterile materials invaded Kageyama’s nose, making him feel nauseated. His vision began failing him when he was confronted with the image of Elise hooked up to several tubes and machines. The lights were very dim, but he could see she had an IV in her hand and tubes shoved down her throat, presumably to keep her breathing.

His heart raced as Kenji looked over to them. He held Natsu in his arms as he held one of Elise’s hands. His posture was defeated as Nastu wailed. Kageyama brought his hands to his head. There was no way that was a thing he was actually looking at. The monitors beeped, impossibly loud.

Hinata moved forward, his pace slow. He put his hand over Elise’s shin on top of the starchy hospital blanket.

“Mom…”

Kageyama’s hand moved to cover his mouth, doing all he could to keep from screaming. The pain built inside of him, eating away the linings of his organs. He still couldn’t fully process what was happening.

“She hasn’t been conscious since she’s been here,” the nurse said. “She’s sustained many injuries, from broken bones to severe internal hemorrhaging. The bleeding was discovered too late and was too severe to treat. We did all we could. I am so incredibly sorry.”

Hinata did not look up. Kenji looked visibly pained to be hearing the information again. He squeezed his eyes shut and pulled Natsu closer. Hinata’s sister didn’t seem aware of what was happening, just afraid of the machines holding her mother hostage. Hinata’s shoulders were tense and he didn’t remove his hand from his mother’s leg.

“The odds of her waking up at this point are slim to none,” her voice was remorseful. “She had been showing signs of arrhythmia, which is when the heart beats irregularly. This is usually one of the… last symptoms.”

Kageyama looked at the screen displaying her heart beat. It seemed mostly regular, but sometimes it would jump around without any apparent pattern. He chewed on the inside of his cheek. He was living a nightmare.

He swallowed harshly and kept his eyes on Hinata’s back. He was afraid to look at Elise. He didn’t want to believe the nurse, or his eyes, or any of it. He wanted to slap himself and wake up in his bed. He wanted to cry. He wanted to scream. He wanted it all to go away.

“We have fluids running, as well as oxygen. We did this at your request, Mr. Hinata. Now that your son is here, should we maybe talk about our options?”

Hinata whipped around, “What options?”

“I know you’re upset, and please understand, I am very sorry about all of this. It’s just that we are prolonging the process. She has already lost two litres of blood, and loses more despite our best efforts.”

“How can you even say that?” Hinata asked.

“Son,” Kenji said softly. “I couldn’t let her go before you got here.” He choked. “But now that you are… It’s time.”

“Time?” Hinata whispered as he turned to face him.

“Yes,” Kenji looked down to where his hand held Elise’s. “It’s time we say goodbye.”

Hinata stared at him for a moment, lips pressed tightly together. He turned to look at Elise. He pressed his hands into his face as his shoulders slumped and shook.

“I’ll give you some time. I’ll return with the doctor.”

The nurse left, clicking the door shut behind her. Kageyama watched her go, then turned to Kenji as he spoke.

“I’ll let you have a moment alone, son.”

“What about you?” Hinata whispered.

“We got the last two hours…” Kenji wouldn’t look away from her.

He finally tore his eyes from Elise and took Natsu out of the room, keeping his face turned from Kageyama. He wanted to tell Kenji there was no shame in his tears, but couldn’t manage to get his mouth open before the door was once again shut.

Hinata took Kenji’s chair and hesitantly took his mother’s hand. For a moment, he just stayed like that. He held her hand with both of his, staring down at her, no emotion in his face.

“You’re really going, aren’t you?” He whispered. “You really need to leave.”

Kageyama watched tears fall from his eyes and drip down his chin. Hinata scrubbed the tears with the heel of his right palm before returning it to his mother.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry we didn’t get more time together. And I hope… I hope you know how much I love you.”

His face turned red as he choked out a sob.

“I am going to spend the rest of my life missing you. And I’ll think…” He squeezed his eyes shut as he choked again, but looked right back at her. “I’ll think about the good times. Because there were a lot of them. Thank you for that.”

He leaned forward and pressed his forehead into their hands as he sobbed. He squeezed her hand between his fingers.

“You’re the best mom I could’ve asked for. You did everything right. You worked for us… Every day.”

He sat up a bit, still leaned in close to her.

“But now you need to rest. I know. You’re tired. And you’re hurting. And I’m sorry!”

He looked to the ceiling and wiped at his nose with his jacket’s sleeve.

“I love you so much. I hope you find peace where you go.” He stood and pressed a kiss to her impossibly frigid cheek, “Mom.”

Hinata looked to Kageyama, indicating he could speak if he so chose. Right as he placed his hand over hers and Hinata’s, the heart monitor sped up. The numbers turned red and the line jarred speradicly.

Kageyama pulled his hand away hastily and ran to the door. He pulled it open and yelled for the nurse.

The nurse returned with the doctor and doted over Elise and the machines while Hinata and Kageyama stood back. Kageyama noticed Kenji and Natsu in the door, watching. Natsu looked confused and horrified while Kenji appeared shattered.

Kageyama approached and took Natsu from Kenji, who seemed not to notice. He let her go and subconsciously approached his wife as she died. Kageyama sighed as he turned Natsu away from the room, taking a last lingering look at Hinata as he held his weeping father.

He brought the young girl to the waiting room and sat on the small rug in the corner.

“Hey, you wanna read a book with me?”

She eyed him skeptically before throwing her arms up with a smile, “Yeah!”

“Okay,” Kageyama attempted a smile, though it came out as a grimace more leaning towards a frown.

He picked out one of the children’s books from the small selection and opened it up. He read it without really reading it. His mind stayed fixed on Hinata’s face as he fell apart.

He and Natsu made their way through the books until she fell asleep in his lap. He just held onto her, admiring her youthful ignorance with envy. He understood Elise wasn’t his mother, but she may as well have been. His heart broke for their family. Nothing would be the same. Not ever again.

“Hey,” Kenji said behind him.

Kageyama looked back to see the man, puffy eyed and red in the face. He crouched down and removed Natsu from his arms, leaving him feeling cold and empty.

“You ready to go?”

Kageyama nodded at him as he stood. He looked around for Hinata. The ginger sulked from the room, across the waiting area and right out the main doors leading to the sink room into the rest of the hospital.

Kenji followed after with Natsu, and Kageyama followed them. They all walked silently to the bus stop. Kageyama looked down at Hinata as they waited.

Hinata had no emotion on his face as he stared blankly at the ground. Kageyama’s heart couldn’t take any more. He reached down and pulled him into a tight hug. Hinata didn’t fight it but he also didn’t hug back. He did nothing. If Kageyama couldn’t feel his breathing, he wouldn’t know he was alive.

Headlights illuminated them as the bus pulled up. Kageyama dragged Hinata on and placed him in a seat next to Kenji and sat on his other side.

“We’re going to have a service,” Kenji said flatly. “I’d like it if you’d invite your friends. She would want them there.”

“Okay,” Kageyama agreed.

Those would be difficult conversations. No one would believe him. Hell, he was there only an hour ago and he didn’t even believe it.

“Friday. Let’s say five o’clock.”

“Okay.”

Kenji rested his cheek on Natsu’s head and closed his eyes. He seemed to be savoring the feeling of his young daughter, as of then relatively unaffected by that day’s tragedy. All she was capable of was love.

-

Once they got back to the house, Kageyama dragged Hinata to his room and got him into the bed. He hadn’t said a word since he said goodbye to his mother. Kageyama hadn’t even seen him shift facial expressions.

“I’m going to go make some calls,” Kageyama said. “Can you please try to sleep?”

Hinata stayed on the edge of his bed and said nothing.

Kageyama sighed, “Okay. I’ll be right back.”

He walked down the stairs and out the front door to sit on the steps. He breathed in the sticky air and looked up at the stars for a moment to collect himself before pulling out his phone.

He scrolled through his contacts until he found ‘Momma Suga’ and dialed. He pressed the phone into his ear, the dread building with every ring.

“Kageyama? Wow, I haven’t heard from you in a hot minute,” Sugawara’s warm voice came through.

“Suga,” Kageyama’s voice broke.

“Are you okay?”

“Um, no.”

“How serious is this on a scale of ‘I’m good to talk in this room’ to ‘go somewhere private and lay down’?”

“I’d go lay down.”

“Oh, god, okay.” There was a lot of static and vague footfalls on the other side of the call before Sugawara returned. “Okay. Ready.”

Kageyama didn’t know how to approach the topic with tact. He didn’t know how to do most things with tact. It wasn’t a quality he possessed. However, he had to word it carefully. No one wanted to hear the reality of death bluntly.

“Shoyo’s mother is dead.”

Shit.

There was only silence between them until Sugawara laughed uneasily.

“You really shouldn’t joke about that kind of thing, Kageyama.”

“I can’t tell you how much I wish I were joking.”

“...I.”

“Don’t know what to say? Tell me about it.”

“What happened?”

“Car accident. She bled out.”

“Oh, my god.”

“We just got back from Sendai.”

“How is Hinata?”

“Alive? That’s about all I can really tell.”

“I don’t believe it.”

“Me neither.”

The silence grew back again. It was like a fungus, no matter how many times you got rid of it, it kept coming back.

“Anyways, Kenji wants me to tell everyone that there will be a service Friday at five.”

“Okay, we’ll be there.”

“I don’t think I can have this conversation again.”

“I’ll call them.”

“Thank you, Suga,” Kageyama’s composure broke as he began crying.

“I’m here for you. We’re a team.”

Kageyama covered his eyes as he sobbed into the phone. Sugawara stayed firm on the other end.

“They should really hear it from me or Hinata. But I don’t think he’ll be functional any time soon.”

“You could put them all in one video chat? Get it done all at once?” Sugawara suggested softly.

“You’re so smart,” Kageyama cried.

“Aw,” Sugawara said. “Let me set it up. Hold on.”

Sugawara hung up and Kageyama got a new incoming call momentarily. He inhaled sharply through his nose and wiped his face with his sleeve before picking up.

They spent a few moments in awkward silence as they waited for everyone to join the call. Kageyama pointed the phone at the light over the door.

Tanaka was the last one to join the call and he immediately started by saying, “Whoa, is that Hinata’s house? Are you back in our little Miyagi?”

Kageyama repositioned the camera to his face and watched everyone’s face turn stunned. His eyes were surely swollen, and his skin was more than likely to be splotchy. The panels were small on his screen, but he could see them well enough. That would do.

“Listen. I’m… I can’t do a whole big thing. And I don’t mean any disrespect. I just… Can’t.”

“Did you and Hinata break up? I told you, we’re not picking sides,” Tanaka said.

“Shut up, please, for once,” Sugawara begged.

“That isn’t it. I almost wish.”

His friends looked taken aback by the statement.

“Okay. I’m just getting it over with. Hinata’s mother passed away today. It was a car accident. Kenji will be holding a service here on friday at five o’clock.”

Kageyama rubbed his eyes with his free hand as his friends processed the information.

“I need to go check on Shoyo,” he interrupted them. “I’ll see you all on friday. Those of you that can make it. And I uh… I love you. Okay?”

There was a beat of silence before his friends all shouted back their love and condolences. They said their goodbyes and Kageyama hung up on them. He held his phone firmly in both hands and allowed himself exactly one minute to fall apart before going back in.

Upon returning back to the bedroom he saw Hinata still hadn’t moved. Kageyama sighed and ran his hands through his hair. He observed Hinata and how he hadn’t even looked up. He was still wearing his volleyball clothes, pinny and shoes.

“Hey, why don’t you take a shower?”

Nothing.

“Then you can get in pyjamas and get in bed?”

Nothing at all.

He sighed once again and moved to Hinata. He crouched down and untied his shoes then pulled them off. He took off his socks then moved to the bathroom to start the shower. When he came back he went to take the first t-shirt and sweatpants from the basket on his desk. Before his hand could make contact, Hinata snapped at him.

“Don’t touch that! She put that there.”

Kageyama jumped at the sudden movement and looked back at him, hand still outstretched.

“Leave it,” Hinata said.

“Okay,” Kageyama pulled his hand back. “Can you please shower?”

Hinata had gone back into standby mode, staring down at his shoes. Kageyama marched over to him and took him by the hand. He led him to the bathroom and shut the door.

Hinata stood at the sink, gripping it by the edges, staring at the drain. Kageyama pulled him away from it and removed his pinny, then his shirt, discarding them to the side. When Hinata made no effort to remove the rest of his clothes, Kageyama did it for him. Then, he forced him under the water.

Finally, Hinata made a voluntary movement. He sat cross legged in the tub with his head down. The water ran over his head, saturating his hair, causing it to straighten, elongate and turn dark.

Kageyama knelt beside the tub and grabbed the shampoo. He poured some in his hand and passed the bottle to Hinata, who just held it in his hands and stared at it. Kageyama got to work, shampooing his hair.

“Might be time for a haircut.”

“Hm,” Hinata groaned.

At least that was progress. He massaged the soap into his scalp, relishing in the fact that Hinata actually turned his head up at the touch. He moved the burnt orange hair around, aiding it in purging the shampoo. When the suds were all gone, Kageyama kept his hand in Hinata’s hair.

They stayed that way until the water ran cold. Hinata stared at the shampoo bottle, while Kageyama pet his hair. Kageyama finally had to make the call.

“Come on, time to get out.”

When Hinata didn’t move, Kageyama stopped the water and pulled him up and out of the tub. He was just thankful the ginger wasn’t deadweight. There was some level of cooperation and that was enough.

He took the towel and dried him off, then wrapped it around his waist before dragging him back to the bedroom.

“Where can I get you clothes?” Kageyama asked, not wanting to upset him more.

Hinata didn’t respond, leaving Kageyama to come up with his own answer. He thought about the least touched places in his room. Somewhere that likely hadn’t been traveled in years. He went to the bottom drawer of his dresser.

“Is this okay?”

Hinata nodded and Kageyama opened it, removing an old pair of sweats and a long sleeved shirt. They’d probably be too small but it was better than nothing.

“For underwear you’re going to have to go with the ones you were already wearing or nothing,” Kageyama told him. He got no response so he continued, “You’re just going to bed. It’s fine.”

Kageyama took the towel from Hinata and pulled the shirt over his head and helped him into his pants. Once he was dressed, Kageyama turned out the light, got him into the bed and pulled the covers over him, then got in beside him. Hinata curled into the fetal position and put his head into Kageyama’s ribs.

“I can't be here,” Hinata whispered. 

“What do you mean?”

“This house.”

Kageyama wrapped his arm around Hinata, unsure what he was talking about.

“It feels empty. Knowing she won’t ever walk through that door again.”

“Shoyo…” He didn’t know what to say.

“Never mind,” Hinata said as removed Kageyama’s arm and rolled away from him.

Kageyama held him arm for a minute before squeezing his eyes shut and biting back a deep sigh. He put his arm behind his head and kept his eyes shut. He didn’t want to sleep, but he was exhausted. His brain wouldn’t slow down and he knew the little hamster wheel up there would continue turning forever.

-

Friday came quickly, but it also felt like the days dragged on. Kageyama called his friends to update them on where and when the burial would be earlier in the day. Kageyama dressed in black and forced Hinata into his clothes. They caught the bus to the church as Kenji was understandably too weary to drive.

Upon arriving, Hinata walked blindly forward into the building, up the aisle and stood at his mother’s casket. Kageyama followed him into the church but hung back by the door, allowing him his space. Kenji held Nastu’s hand on the other side of the door and she spun her hips to make her dress whoosh around.

Kageyama watched her and felt his heart ache. He observed the priest, organ player and Hinata who remained unmoving, simply touching his mother's casket. It was closed, to keep her safe from the outsiders’ weepy eyes. It wasn’t too long after when people started filing in.

Most of the people were strangers. He didn’t recognize a singular face in the initial crowd, but shook their hands nonetheless and thanked them for their attendance. With each touch of flesh, he felt himself retreat further within himself. He only came back to earth when someone held onto his hand for longer than was customary.

He looked up and met Oikawa’s brown eyes. Sugawara stood behind them, both in ironed black suits. He supposed he’d be seeing a lot of those today.

“You made it back?”

“Yeah, it was hard to get a plane on such short notice but I find yelling helps.”

They stared at each other for a moment before the intensity became too much for Kageyama and he looked away.

“I’m sorry this happened,” Oikawa said, placing his other hand over their clasped ones.

“Yeah, me too,” Kageyama whispered.

Oikawa let his grip loose so Sugawara could shake his hand.

“Where is Hinata?” He asked.

Kageyama just looked up to the top of the aisle, where Hinata had moved aside so other mourners could say their goodbyes. He watched the line of people move up, kiss their hands and press them to the casket before whispering some sort of sentimentality and walk away.

“Poor guy,” Sugawara said regretfully.

“Yeah,” Kageyama agreed.

His friends moved on when it was clear Kageyama was done with the interaction. He stayed firm at the door, greeting and thanking those that Kenji could not get to, before it was time for the real service to begin.

He made his way down the aisle, to the front most pew and sat beside Hinata. The priest moved before the casket and opened a book, probably the Bible. The organ played and surprised Kageyama with how quiet it was.

“Thank you all for being here today,” the priest said. “We stand here in this House of Worship today to celebrate the life of Elise Mary Evans-Hinata. May we say our farewells and commit her to the hands of the Lord.”

The priest stood behind the casket, looked around the room and raised his hands as he looked to the ceiling.

“In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Jesus once said, ‘Let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth’. Your presence today shows your love in deed, but do not end it here today. One week, one month, one year from now, this family will still need you.

“Let us pray,” he said, lowering his head and closing his eyes, his hands pressed together over his chest. 

The room followed suit, lowering their heads in prayer. Kageyama knew most, if not all of the room, was not Christian. But the Hinata’s were, so they honored it. It really was beautiful.

“Lord our God, you are the source of life. In you we move and have our being. Keep us in life and death in your love, and, by your grace, lead us to your kingdom. Through your Son, Jesus Christ, our Lord. Amen.”

“Amen,” the crowd returned.

“Let us hear a word from the family,” the priest said, moving aside. 

Kenji stood and took the priest’s place. His face was red and his eyes were swollen.

“Our Elise was stolen from us too soon. This is true. Nothing in the world can take back this irrevocable fact. And it…” He choked. “It hurts. I know it hurts you, too. My wife has… had a way of touching lives.

“I know everyone in this room is here today because they were brought into her warm orbit of love and acceptance. She built a home, not just for her family, but for all those she encountered. We have to move forward, and hopefully...

He paused and looked up for the first time, “Hopefully we can all take a piece of that with us. Do her work for her, now that she is unable, to make this world a brighter place.”

He placed his hand on the casket and stared down at it. Kageyama’s heart burned at the expression on his face. Hurt, pain, anger, guilt and regret. How could one person feel so much? He didn’t know, but he knew he felt it, too. Kenji returned to his seat and covered his face as he wept.

Kageyama looked to Hinata, expecting him to get up to say something. He made no such movement. He simply stared on in front of him, seemingly blind to the world. He had no emotion on his face or in his body language. He sat straight and looked ahead.

“That was beautiful. If no one else has anything to say, we can move on,” the priest said, returning to the casket. When no one moved to say anything, he continued, “Okay, I ask the pallbearers to please come forward.”

Daichi, Sugawara, Oikawa, Nishinoya, Tanaka, and Kageyama all stood and approached. The priest offered them each a pair of white gloves, which they respectively put on. They all took the casket by the handles and lifted it slowly to their shoulders, and made their way out of the church. Hinata, Kenji and Natsu followed closely behind them.

The burial site was nearby and they placed the casket down into the lowering device with minimal assistance. They stepped back, none of them really wanting to remove their gloves.

The priest retook his position at the head of the pack and spoke once the attention was fixed back on him.

“In the Name of God, the merciful Father, we commit the body of Elise Mary Evans-Hinata to the peace of the grave.”

They watched as the casket slowly moved down to its eternal resting place. The priest made the sign of a cross over his chest and let three handfuls of earth fall down onto the casket where it lay.

“From dust you came, to dust you shall return. Jesus Christ, our Saviour, shall rise you up on the last day. Lord God, our Father in Heaven. Lord God, the Son, and Saviour of the world. Lord God, the Holy Spirit, have mercy on us. At the moment of death, and on the last day, save us, merciful and gracious Lord God.”

Kageyama’s ears fell out of focus as the priest continued speaking. He could only see Natsu pulling on Hinata’s pant leg. She cried as she tugged his suit pants and pointed to where the dirt was covering their mother’s casket. She didn’t understand.

He watched as Hinata’s fists clenched tightly at his sides. His jaw strained and his face turned red. Natsu got louder and louder before Kenji picked her up and attempted to console her. He held her close as he shushed her, petting her hair.

When the priest finally stopped speaking, Kenji thanked the guests for coming, and the crowd thinned out. Soon it was just Hinata’s family and their closest friends.

Hinata sat at the foot of the grave and stared at the fresh earth. Kenji handed the sleeping Natsu to Kageyama and crouched beside him.

“Son, I need to get home. People are expecting me there.”

Hinata said nothing back, just staring in front of him.

“Come home soon, okay? You need to eat something. She wouldn’t want us falling apart like this.”

Hinata didn’t respond but he did grip his pants tighter. Kenji sighed, kissed the top of his head and went to take Natsu back before leaving.

The sun was low in the sky, casting rich gold light over the green grass. The breeze passed through, softly shaking the blades and surrounding trees. No one said anything.

Tadashi moved forward, surprising everyone. He knelt beside Hinata and stared forward with him.

“We all loved her, too,” he whispered.

Hinata glanced up at him before doubling down on the turned earth.

“I think I speak for all of us when I say, we’re very thankful to have met you. And for the time we all got to spend together. The good times will overshine the pain we feel right now. Don’t you think?”

Hinata curled in on himself, showing the first emotion Kageyama had seen from him all day.

“Remember when we won nationals? And the third years had to leave us? How you taught us that french song, because your mother always sang it to you when you needed to feel loved?”

Asahi was the next to sit beside Hinata, “Yeah. That was really beautiful.”

Sugawara and Oikawa moved over to them as well, and Sugawara spoke softly, “It really did make us feel loved. It made the pain of leaving the team feel less bad.”

Tanaka, Nishinoya and Daichi all joined them.

“Remember that Christmas we spent together? We heard her sing that song for the first time. She told us, ‘there’s no lack of love here, but there can always be more’,” Nishinoya said.

“It’s okay to hurt,” Tsukishima said, standing behind Tadashi.

Kageyama watched them as they all fell back into silence. Then, very softly, Tadashi began to sing. No matter how many times Kageyama heard his voice, he was shocked by how lovely it was.

“When we see in the mirror our wrinkled faces full of story,  
when we have less time ahead than we do now,  
when we will finally be able to live slowly,  
when the house will be paid and what will remain is to love each other.”

Tadashi looked nervously at the rest of his friends as Hinata pulled further into himself. To Kageyama’s astonishment, Tsukishima joined him.

“We will still love each other  
through doubts,  
through the path and much much more,  
we will still love each other.  
Through good,  
through setbacks of life,  
to death... We will still love each other.”

Nishinoya’s cheeks were wet when he and Tanaka joined in, voices hoarse and cracking.

“When the children will be gone, we will have seen them grow up.  
When it will be their turn to choose, their turn to build a life.  
When our heads will be white, when we will have experience.  
When no one will expect us, what will remain is to love you…”

The rest of the group joined, save for Kageyama and Hinata, as they continued.

“When the times will have changed, when we will be completely out of style.  
When all the bombs will have exploded, when peace will be there to stay.  
When without a compass nor plan, we will move according to the wind.   
When we will rise our sails, becoming stardust.”

Kageyama approached slowly and wrapped his arms around Hinata, clasping his hands over his ribs. He sang softly in his ear, along with their friends.

“We will love each other  
after the good times,  
after the setbacks and much much more,  
we will love each other.  
At the end of our doubts,  
at the end of the road,  
beyond death…”

Hinata finally allowed the tears to break free and he sang along. His voice cracked and broke several times, his throat thick with pain and mucus.

“We will love each other,  
at the end of our doubts,  
at the end of the road.  
Beyond death...  
We will love each other.”

They all stayed. They joined hands and cried as a collective unit, staring at the fresh earth of the grave. The sun lowered in the sky but no one moved to leave. Slowly, they were surrounded in darkness. Even so, they stayed, hand in hand, leaning on each other like they’ve done so many times in the past.


	3. DONTTRUSTME

The next morning they had to leave to go back to Tokyo, Kageyama had to force Hinata awake. He always found it impossible to wake him up when he didn’t want to get up. Elise was really the only person capable of that.

Since relying on her was no longer an option, Kageyama resorted to shaking him awake with a heavy heart. He hated to admit it, but he felt a lot of dread facing the reality of having to carry them both through another day.

“Shoyo! Hey, get up! We need to catch our train!”

“Get bent,” Hinata pulled the blanket over his head as he rolled away.

Kageyama rolled his eyes and yanked the blanket off of him, “Get. Up.”

Hinata sat up and shouted, “Fuck off! Jesus, you’re so annoying.”

“Well, excuse me. You have an education to work for. Let’s go. Get dressed.”

Hinata rolled his eyes as he got up and slammed the drawers around his room as he looked for a cohesive outfit. He aggressively changed from one set of t-shirt and sweatpants to another then swung his arms out to the side as he glared at Kageyama.

“Happy? Good enough? Does this appease the King?”

Kageyama looked on and noticed his shirt was inside out. It wasn’t worth fighting over, so he bit back his rising anger and frustration, “Yeah. I guess. Let’s go say goodbye to your dad and sister.”

“Whatever you say, my Liege,” Hinata bowed lowly, sweeping his arm to the side before storming out of the room.

Kageyama hung behind for a moment and covered his face, allowing himself to fully feel the anger before shoving it away. He walked down the stairs and found Kenji in the kitchen, making Natsu eggs. He wore his housecoat and he had stubble covering his cheeks. His eyes were definitely swollen, but he still smiled for his daughter.

Kageyama aspired to be like him. So strong.

He bowed to Kenji, “Thank you very much for your hospitality. I am so, so sorry for your loss.”

“It was your loss, too, Tobio. Are you boys heading out already?”

“Our train leaves very soon. We’re already late,” Kageyama said.

“Well,” Kenji said, pulling them into a hug. “Thank you for everything. Stay in touch, okay?”

“We will,” Kageyama promised.

“I love you, son,” he pressed a kiss to Hinata’s head.

“Love you, too,” Hinata mumbled.

They left and waited for the bus to the train station. Hinata tapped his foot impatiently with his arms crossed.

“Hey, are you gonna be okay?” Kageyama asked.

“You’re not my dad, stop acting like it.”

“I’m just worried—“

“When aren’t you worried, Kageyama? You’re always worried. That isn’t news.”

Kageyama frowned, “I—“

“I think there might be something seriously wrong with your brain,” Hinata interrupted him. “I mean, honestly. Get a grip.”

“I’m trying,” Kageyama strained against his anger.

Hinata knew there was something wrong with his brain. He knew he was on medication. He knew he had depression and anxiety. Why was he being so mean?

“Don’t try so hard,” Hinata wouldn’t look at him.

“I know you’re upset about what happened,” Kageyama said slowly. “That’s okay. I’m upset, too. But you do—“

“I am so sick of you all pretending to know how I feel!” Hinata slammed his hands down. “You know she wasn’t really your mom, right? She was MY mom. I’d appreciate it if you would stop fucking acting like you’re her son!”

Kageyama felt tears threaten him. He raised his hands in defeat and simply said, “Okay.”

“Okay,” Hinata said, turning back and folding his arms once again.

Kageyama knew Elise wasn’t his mother. She was there to take him in when his parents didn’t want him, though. She was his voice of guidance and reason. She treated him like her own and he could call her at any time with any problem and she’d always be there without question and without ever mentioning it again.

He’d never experienced more unconditional love. That was enough, wasn’t it? He was allowed to be hurt, right?

The bus pulled up and they boarded. Hinata kept a seat of distance between himself and Kageyama. They marinated in hurt silence all the way to the train station, on the train and even after they arrived in Tokyo.

It was time for them to go their separate ways and return to normal life. Hinata turned to leave without saying a word but Kageyama caught him by his arm.

“You know I love you, right?”

Hinata didn’t respond or even look at him. He remained in his half-step formation and stared at the ground.

“I’m not giving up. I’m not letting this fall apart. I’ll call you whenever I get the chance, alright?”

Hinata pulled his arm away and started walking, “Yeah. Whatever.”

Kageyama watched him until he was no longer visible in the sea of strangers. He wanted to scream, and cry and break things. He wanted to curse the stars and Heaven itself for putting him in that position. Instead, though, he just turned and made his way home.

-

Hinata returned to his dorm room and slammed the door heavily behind him, causing Kenma to jump and drop his Switch.

“Oh, Shoyo,” he said as he sat up.

Hinata said nothing as he climbed into his bed and pulled the covers over himself. Kenma sat on the edge of his bed.

“What’s going on? You haven’t been answering your phone.”

Hinata stared at the wall, ignoring Kenma’s gaze. The blond frowned down at him. He hadn’t heard from him since he left practice, stunned and hurried, without explaining anything to anyone. He left for days and now he wouldn’t say anything? It must have been a terrible thing.

“Can I touch you?”

Hinata glanced at him then stared back to the wall. Kenma hesitantly reached out and pet his hair. When there were no objections, only silent tears, he moved to lay beside him. He wrapped an arm around Hinata and laid with him in silence.

Kenma placed his forehead on the nape of his neck as his tears became audible. Hinata sniffled and cracked. He sobbed into his blanket until he became so loud he turned silent once again. He felt the heat coming off of him and maintained a semi-firm grip on the ginger.

When the sobs tapered off, Kenma spoke, “What do you need?”

“To go away.”

“That isn’t an option.”

“Then nothing.”

Kenma turned quiet again and just held Hinata. He knew he’d tell him what happened when he was ready. There were no secrets between them, and he had no reason to push.

Hinata rolled over and buried his face in Kenma’s chest, returning the gesture of wrapping his arms around him. He grabbed onto Kenma’s white hoodie and clung. The blond pet his hair until he fell asleep.

-

Hinata awoke on Kenma’s chest. It was dark outside and the blond was asleep. He sat up, leaned on one arm, and rubbed his eyes. His body felt impossibly heavy and moving was hard.

He forced himself out of the bed and noticed he still had his shoes on. One step out of the way, at least. He left the room and made his way down the hall. He didn’t know where he was going, but he had to go somewhere. Being with his thoughts felt lethal.

The halls were weirdly busy. He hadn’t seen so much traffic since the night he moved in. People socialized happily, but Hinata couldn’t make out anything they were saying. He shoved his hands into his pockets and attempted to appear regular.

He felt out of breath by the end of the hall, so he stopped and leaned against the wall. He stared down at his feet and tried getting air into his lungs.

“Your shirt’s on inside out,” Iwaizumi materialized in front of him.

Hinata looked at the hems of his baby blue shirt and realized he was right. Oh, well.

“It’s weird at practice without you. I actually got to hit some spikes. Where’ve you been?”

Hinata looked up at him, his face coming in and out of focus. He noticed he held a red plastic cup, once again like the first night he’d been there.

“I feel like every time I see you, you’re drinking,” Hinata gestured to the cup.

“Are you suggesting I have a problem?” Iwaizumi narrowed his eyes, causing panic to flutter in Hinata’s chest. His expression changed readily to a smile, “I guess you wouldn’t be too offbase in saying so.”

Hinata relaxed and actually found himself smiling back. Iwaizumi gestured down the hall with his head.

“Want a drink?”

Did he want a drink? It seemed like every time he got drunk, he got into trouble. He longed for the carefree feeling of it, though. So, he nodded. Iwaizumi snorted and led him down to the Alcohol Room.

He poured Hinata a drink and handed it to him. He took the cup and sipped, feeling like it was the best drink he’d ever had.

As the tingling feeling passed by his tongue and down his throat, spreading the warmth through his chest, he genuinely smiled for the first time in what felt like an eternity.

“That’s the spirit,” Iwaizumi clapped him on his back. “And tonight, you’ll be taking care of me.”

Hinata laughed, knowing that was unlikely to be the case. He couldn’t imagine a world where Iwaizumi truly let himself go.

“Sounds good.”

“Shots!” Iwaizumi yelled, nabbing a bottle of whiskey and running back to Hinata’s room.

“Uh, wait!” Hinata called out, chasing him. “Kenma’s sleeping! Hell kill you!”

“I’d like to see him try!”

Iwaizumi made it to the room first and threw the door open. The loud crash it caused against the door made Kenma jump about ten feet in the air. He glared at Iwaizumi as he clutched his heart. If Iwaizumi noticed he was in Hinata’s bed, he didn’t say anything.

“What the hell?” Kenma panted.

“Shots,” Iwaizumi held the bottle up.

“God, you guys are alcoholics,” he said as he laid back down.

“I resent that,” Iwaizumi pointed at him. “Call Kuroo.”

“No.”

“You’re really gonna make me do it myself?”

“Yes.”

Iwaizumi rolled his eyes and took out his phone. He glanced at Hinata and gestured for him to get the shots ready as he dialed.

“Kuroo. . . . Yes. Yes, I believe it is. . . . Too nice. Okay, see ya soon.”

He hung up the phone and replaced it in his pocket.

“Our job is to be wrecked before they get here. I’m not babysitting anyone tonight,” he said, picking up his shot.

They clicked their red cups together and sent them back. Hinata’s face screwed up but Iwaizumi seemed unfazed. He poured them another. Then another. Then two more.

Hinata hadn’t eaten that day. He was too depressed. The alcohol hit him very quickly. When Iwaizumi noticed that, he took the bottle and drank directly from it.

“I’m not babysitting,” he said.

Hinata giggled, “I knoooow. You can stop saying that.”

“I won’t. And you can’t make me,” Iwaizumi flipped Hinata the bird, causing a new fit of giggles.

Kenma had since moved back to his own bed and returned to his Switch. He watched them and rolled his eyes.

“I can’t believe I actually wish Bokuto were here,” he mumbled.

“Huh?” Hinata craned his neck to see him.

“Nothing…”

“M’kay then.”

The door crashed open once again, revealing Bokuto and Kuroo.

“Hey, hey, hey nerds!”

“Ahh, descha vue,” Hinata laughed.

“Aww yeah, they’re wrecked,” Kuroo smiled. “Time to catch up, big guy.”

Bokuto and Kuroo poured their red cups with straight tequila and drank. Iwaizumi didn’t waste the opportunity and kept up with them using the bottle of whiskey he stole.

“Someone play some fuckin’ music,” Iwaizumi demanded.

They all looked at Kenma, who stared back incredulously.

“Why me?” He whined.

“Come on, baby, please?” Kuroo smiled innocently.

“I don’t know why you’d think that’d help,” Kenma said flatly.

“Pleaaaaaase, Kenma?” Hinata begged.

He looked reluctant, but Kenma conceded and attached his phone to the bluetooth speaker. He searched his Spotify for ‘trap music’ and played the first playlist that came up on shuffle.

The four of them began bobbing as they drank. The bass ran through Hinata, making him feel elated. He couldn’t help but laugh at his friends. None of them could dance worth a damn.

The music wasn’t loud enough, so Hinata leaned into Kenma’s ear and asked him to turn it up, which he did.

“Yeah!” Bokuto yelled as he danced more intently.

Hinata danced his way back to them and when he reached them, Iwaizumi took him by the chin and leaned his head back. Hinata opened his mouth so he could pour tequila into it.

He laughed halfway through and choked and sputtered. His face turned red as he held his hand over his mouth, tequila dripping down his chin. He looked up at Iwaizumi as he howled with laughter, dying himself.

People started filtering in and out of the room, joining them for a while, dancing to the music and drinking with them. They came and they went.

“I’ve never been one of the people in the room other people hung out in,” Iwaizumi shouted over the music.

“‘Cause you’re a nerd!” Bokuto laughed as he pointed at him.

“You can’t call me the nerd when Kuroo’s here!”

“At least Kuroo looks like he’d be cool!”

“Until he opens his mouth!”

“Hey!” Kuroo yelled with a playful frown. “Science is cool! Watch a Bill Nye video since you’re clearly six years old!”

“Ah, shut up!” Iwaizumi laughed, holding his sides.

All their bottles were nearly empty, but they’d shared with a bunch of strangers, so they weren’t doing too badly. Iwaizumi emptied the whiskey into Hinata’s cup and Bokuto did the same with his tequila. Kuroo had grabbed a mickey of vodka somewhere along the way, so it was still more full than the others.

He brought it to his lips, took a long drink, then emptied it into Hinata’s cup as well. The three of them forced the cup to Hinata’s lips and he swallowed it all back.

His body felt fuzzy but his brain felt happy. He felt so, so happy. Also, hungry. His hunger caught up to him after all. He was just glad he was feeling human things again.

“I wanna remember this forever!” Hinata beamed.

“Take pictures!” Iwaizumi ran his hand across his back as he crossed behind him to grab a new bottle, blazing a trail of fire on his skin.

“Oh, my god, Iwa! You’re so smart!”

“So you keep saying,” Iwaizumi said wryly.

Hinata took his phone out as the song changed to Blame Game by Kanye West. He let out an excited shriek as he swayed to the melody.

“I love this song!”

“I couldn’t tell,” Kuroo snickered.

The room was nearly stuffed with people rotating in and out. It felt so good. Hinata’s cheeks burned from smiling so much, and that felt the best of all.

He sang as he danced with strangers. Between Kuroo, Iwaizumi and Bokuto, Hinata’s cup never fully emptied. He never wanted to forget that feeling he was having. Then, he remembered he was going to take pictures.

He opened his Snapchat and spun around as he took a video of the room. The people danced and sang and held their drinks up if they noticed him filming. He posted it to his story.

He took a drink from his cup, and saw it was getting low again. Iwaizumi appeared in front of him with a bottle of gin. He poured his cup halfway with it.

“Iwa-chan!”

Iwaizumi looked up at him as he poured and raised his eyebrow.

“I’m hungry.”

“Wanna go find something to eat?”

“Yeah!”

“Okay,” he said, drinking from the bottle. He pushed the bottom of Hinata’s cup up to him as he drank. Hinata joined him. When they’d taken a good go at it, Iwaizumi gestured for him to follow.

“I don’t know how you’re so…” He was cut off by his phone buzzing in his pocket. Panic pricked his neck as he thought about Kageyama being mad that he was partying.

He took out his phone and his face recognition worked, letting him see his notifications.

‘Snapchat: Lev Haiba.  
Snapchat: Lev Havia is typing…’

He opened the conversation.

‘Lev: Are you with Kuroo?

Shoyo: Yes’

Iwaizumi looked over his shoulder, curiously.

“I love how he doesn’t care that I’m here,” he laughed.

“I’m sure he just didn’t see you,” Hinata said.

‘Lev: You’re in tokyo?

Shoyo: Yes

Lev: Party at Tokyo u? c u soon

Shoyo: hell ya!’

He shoved his phone back into his pocket and remembered how he wanted food. Where could they get food?

He looked at Iwaizumi, vision pulsating, “Food?”

Iwaizumi sipped from the bottle, “Yeah.”

They stared at each other, not remembering where food came from. Hinata pursed his lips and narrowed his eyes.

“Trees,” he said slowly.

“Excuse me?” Iwaizumi blinked.

“Food comes on trees.”

“Ohhhhh,” Iwaizumi’s eyes brightened with realization. “You’re pretty smart, too!”

Hinata beamed with pride as his cheeks flushed pink, “Thanks!”

“Where are trees?” Iwaizumi tapped his chin.

“Outside?” Hinata suggested.

Iwaizumi stared blankly at him, “I take back my nice thing. Obviously they're outsiiide, Hinata.”

“Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer,” Hinata shrugged with a snicker.

Iwaizumi glared at him and hit him lightly on the back of the head, “Come on.”

Hinata followed him outside and watched him squint, looking for any nearby trees. The air was damp and cool on their sweaty skin. It felt nice.

“Apples!” Hinata pointed excitedly to a crabapple tree.

“Ah!” Iwaizumi shouted.

They raced each other to the tree, all the while with Hinata shouting it wasn’t fair because he didn’t want to spill his cup. Iwaizumi yelled for him to stop making excuses and they devolved into puddles of giggles.

They stared up at the tree. It was much taller in person. Iwaizumi looked back at his bottle and held it up to cheers Hinata before slugging more back.

“Okay, so,” he started slowly. “You get on my shoulders. And… grabbem.”

“Grabbem?” Hinata asked as he looked up. “Right. Okay.”

Iwaizumi took Hinata’s cup and put it on the ground with his bottle. Then he crouched lowly so Hinata could climb on his shoulders. Hinata couldn’t balance and what’s more, Iwaizumi couldn’t manage to get to an upright position with Hinata on him. They kept falling back onto the grass, laughing for longer each time it happened.

“What are you doing?” Kuroo yelled from the walkway.

They startled and looked back at him before Hinata pointed in the general direction of the tree, “Apples!”

“You two are so dumb!” Bokuto howled, slapping his hands on his thighs.

“If you’re hungry we can order a pizza like people who live in the twenty-first century,” Kuroo laughed.

Iwaizumi and Hinata looked at each other with wide eyes before standing.

“Right,” Iwaizumi said, brushing his pants off. “We knew that.”

“A complete list of the things the two of you know, combined, wouldn’t even fill a menu,” Kuroo snipped.

“Just for that,” Iwaizumi pointed at Kuroo and he returned Hinata’s cup to him, “You’re buying.”

Kuroo laughed and walked ahead with Bokuto, with Hinata and Iwaizumi trailing behind. They split into separate conversations and Iwaizumi’s arm found its way around Hinata’s shoulders without either noticing.

-

Kageyama’s alarm woke him at 6 in the morning. He groaned as he reached his phone to stop the piercing shriek. His heart felt just as heavy as the last few days. He wondered if the pain would ever go away, or even just feel less terrible.

He looked at his notifications and frowned as there was nothing from Hinata. He supposed he should have suspected that. He probably slept through the day and night.

He did however have a few notifications from other people. A strange amount, actually.

‘Snapchat: Great King.  
Snapchat: Great King is typing…  
Snapchat: Great King.  
Snapchat: Lev Haiba.  
Snapchat: Lev Haiba is typing…  
Snapchat: Bokuto.’

“What the hell?” He whispered as he furrowed his brow at his screen. He tapped on the first notification from Oikawa. It opened the main screen of his Snapchat account.

First there was a picture, just an empty snap of a cactus he had. Whatever. Then, in the chat, he’d sent Bokuto’s story to him with the caption, ‘what the hell?’.

Kageyama furrowed his brow further as he clicked on the story. A video played of two figures in the darkness. It looked like they were trying to get into a piggyback position, but couldn’t stand up straight.

“What are you doing?” Came from off camera.

The camera turned to show Kuroo laughing before turning back to the people in the dark. One of them pointed off back at nothing then said, “Apples.”

The camera went shaky as Bokuto wheezed with laughter, then the video ended.

Kageyama frowned deeply, realizing the voice sounded a lot like Hinata’s. He shook his head and replied to Oikawa.

‘I don’t understand what I’m looking at.’

He closed their chat and moved to the one Bokuto had sent. It was a video. Just a very closeup shot of his face as he screamed, ‘Neeeeeeeeerd!’

Kageyama rolled his eyes as he closed it. He opened Lev’s chat.

‘Lev: Dude where are you  
Lev: Why arent you here  
Lev: Youre so lame why do you never go to parties  
Lev: Everyone else is here  
Lev: Dude  
Lev: Kageyama  
Lev: Get upppppp’

Kageyama’s fingers hovered over the keyboard for a moment before he sighed and just left it on read. He moved over to the ‘Stories’ page and his heart skipped a beat when he saw a purple circle surrounding a picture over Hinata’s name.

He clicked on it and the first thing was a video of a crowded room of people all dancing and singing to a rap song. Some of the people noticed and would raise their glasses to the camera.

The next thing was a photo of a cardboard box filled with empty bottles. Kageyama’s frown got impossibly deeper. Hinata wasn’t in a condition to be doing such things.

Next was a video of Hinata’s face as he sang along to a song. Kageyama knew he knew the song, but he didn’t really know it, if that made sense. His heart melted as he watched Hinata’s smile as he sang.

‘But she ain't got no need! She's got money from her parents in a trust fund back east! T-t-t-tongues always pressed to your cheeks!’

The camera panned a bit to the side as Iwaizumi came into frame. Hinata broke his form as he laughed hard at the serious expression on Iwaizumi’s face as he sang.

‘While my tongue is on the inside of some other girls teeth!’

Hinata regained his composure, but still beamed as they both sang together, getting closer to the camera and pointing at it.

‘T-tell your boyfriend, if he says he's got beef… That I'm a vegetarian and I ain't fucking scared of him!’

The last few seconds of the video was them laughing hysterically before it cut off. Kageyama hastily turned his screen off. His heart beat against his ribs, demanding to be free.

‘It’s just a coincidence,’ he told himself.

His gut told him otherwise. He was so busy focusing on Kenma and Kuroo he failed to realize Secret Option C. Did something happen last night? Was Iwaizumi warning him?

He unlocked his phone again and selected the next part of Hinata’s story. It was a photo of a burned pot. That wasn’t good. It was captioned with, ‘go off then’.

Then… that was it. He hadn’t posted anything else. That wasn’t enough to answer his questions. He moved on to his friends’ stories, hoping for missing pieces to the puzzle.

He selected Lev’s story and the first one was a video of him, Kuroo, Bokuto, Iwaizumi and Hinata all taking a shot.

‘Okay, that’s pretty regular,’ he thought.

The next was a video of him approaching a hot plate in Hinata’s room.

‘So, we were gonna play that one game where some eggs are boiled and some aren’t and you have to smash them on your forehead to find out,’ Lev said in the video.

He held up the burned pot, ‘But we forgot about it and burned this pot.’

The video ended and the next post in his story was just a picture of the pot that read, ‘RIP pot we hardly knew you’ with a sticker of a gravestone.

When the picture closed itself he was shown a screen that had a picture in a purple circle with the words ‘Great King’ under it. He swiped down to close it.

‘That was no help,’ he thought.

Then he saw Hinata had updated his story again.

He clicked it very quickly and a video of the sunrise from the roof opened. He couldn’t see who was in the video, and there was no audio. The time stamp read two minutes ago.

He checked the time. 6:14.

‘Maybe I should go check on him,’ he thought.

He stared down at his screen for a minute longer, Hinata’s story long shut. He should at least call him before showing up, right?

He dialed Hinata’s number and sighed deeply as it went to voicemail. He knew he was awake and that his phone wasn’t dead. He discarded his phone on the mattress to stand and stretch.

‘Yeah, I should go check on him,’ he thought.

-

Hinata leaned over the railing on the edge of the roof, just taking in the sunrise. Iwaizumi mirrored his posture to his left. They didn’t say anything to each other, but rather stood in comfortable silence.

“You know,” Hinata said uneasily. “My mom died.”

Iwaizumi’s eyes widened as he turned to look at him. He didn’t know what to say, so he stayed silent.

“Everything is worse now.”

Iwaizumi looked back at the horizon and nodded, “That makes sense.”

“Everyone’s trying to act like they know how I feel about it. But they don’t really know. You know?”

“Yeah,” Iwaizumi said.

“I like that about you. You aren’t pretending.”

“Why would I?”

“Why would anyone?”

Iwaizumi sighed before looking at Hinata, “If I were to lie to you, I’d be lying to myself, too. Only assholes lie on purpose. And I’m not an asshole.”

Hinata stared on at him.

“Besides,” he looked away again. “My mom is dead, too. I’m still not going to tell you I know how you feel. There’s nothing I can say to make it better, so I won’t.”

Hinata hummed as he squinted back into the horizon. Iwaizumi shifted his hand against the railing so their pinkies touched. Hinata pretended not to notice.

“And,” Iwaizumi took a breath. “If you needed help I’d trust that you would ask for it. Whatever it was.”

“Yeah,” Hinata kept his gaze on the rising sun as he shifted his hand a bit, furthering the contact.

Iwaizumi looked at him right as his phone began vibrating in his pocket. Hinata removed his hands from the rail to retrieve his phone.

‘Incoming call from Kagy Baby.’

Iwaizumi leaned over and watched Hinata sigh as he hit ‘decline’. He put his phone back in his pocket.

“Shouldn’t you have picked that up?” Iwaizumi asked.

“So he can lecture me? I’ll pass.”

Iwaizumi shrugged as he turned back towards the sunrise, “Suppose that’s curtains, then?”

“What?”

“The night’s over,” Iwaizumi clarified.

“Yeah, looks that way.”

Iwaizumi stepped off the small step in front of the rail and patted the metal with his hands, “Okay.”

He turned towards Hinata and offered his elbow, “I'll walk you back. What kind of babysitter would I be if I couldn’t even do that?”

Hinata laughed as he linked their arms together, “I thought you weren’t babysitting anyone tonight?”

“It’s a new day, kid,” Iwaizumi smirked. “Keep up.”

Hinata smiled along until he realized Kageyama was more than likely going to show up, “He’s going to know.”

Iwaizumi glanced at him but didn’t let his expression slip, “I do love a good fight.”

“I don’t. Kageyama is scary.”

“Not as scary as me,” Iwaizumi said confidently.

“Maybe,” Hinata drawled. “But it was my decision. I talked you into it. I should take the blame.”

“That’s true, but I partook,” he stopped and pulled his arm away to turn towards the ginger. “I could’ve stopped it and I didn’t. I can’t let you take all the responsibility on when I was equally involved.”

Hinata refused to meet his eye but nodded, “I know I promised him. But I think it’s different with Kenma and Kuroo. I think when he knows it’s with you, then he’ll be less angry.”

“Maybe he won’t even figure it out,” Iwaizumi suggested.

“No, he always knows everything,” Hinata frowned. “Cons of dating a setter.”

“I guess we’ll see, then,” Iwaizumi started back towards the building.

Hinata watched him go for a moment then followed.

They made their way back to the room and Hinata got into his bed. He sat up and wrapped his blanket around himself as he turned on his current show on Netflix. Iwaizumi took the desk chair and scrolled through his phone. Kenma had gone to spend the night at Kuroo’s place. No one knew where Lev and Bokuto had gone to.

Around an hour later, exactly on schedule, a knock came from the door. Neither of them answered it, but it didn’t matter because Kageyama let himself in.

He opened the door slowly and glanced around the room, getting a grasp on the situation. Everything seemed relatively normal, save for the box of empty bottles and some other party debris.

“Hey,” he said quietly. “It was unlocked so I assumed it was okay that I came in.”

“Yeah,” Hinata mumbled.

Kageyama greeted Iwaizumi on the way to Hinata’s bed. The latter hardly looked up at him as he offered a weak greeting in return. Kageyama sat on the bed and pushed Hinata’s hair out of his face.

“Hey.”

“Hello,” Hinata said, looking away from him and pulling away from his touch.

“How are you?”

“Fine.”

“Good…”

Kageyama felt the tension in the room. It was so intense that it wouldn't allow air into his lungs. He popped his lips and looked from Hinata to Iwaizumi.

Iwaizumi sat in the desk chair, slumped down far. He was manspreading with his elbow propping his head up on the arm of the chair while he scrolled on his phone. He must’ve felt Kageyama’s stare, because he looked up, cluelessly.

“Oh, don’t mind me. Pretend I’m not even here.”

“Okay?” Kageyama furrowed his brow as Iwaizumi looked back down at his phone.

Something wasn’t right. They were hiding something. Iwaizumi had no real reason to be there. He looked around the room, looking for anything to give him the answer he knew existed. There was a flat mirror on Kenma’s unmade bed.

‘Okay, so I know that’s weird because I know that kid never actually sees his own reflection, or he’d fix his hair,’ Kageyama thought.

Then, he saw it.

He got up and flattened Kenma’s blanket, fully exposing the last missing pieces. A pack of razor blades and a short metal straw. He clenched his jaw as he slowly turned back to Hinata.

“You did it again?” He demanded.

Hinata didn’t even look at him. He kept his eyes on whatever he was watching on his phone. He felt Iwaizumi’s eyes, though. He rounded on him.

“You knew? You let him do it?”

“I did it, too.”

“What?” Kageyama yelled.

Iwaizumi held his phone loosely in his lap as he shrugged at him. Kageyama turned back to Hinata who was finally looking at him. His eyes implored him for answers.

“I wanted to,” Hinata said.

“You promised me.”

“Yeah? Mom promised she’d see me get married. No one can really promise anything.”

Kageyama wanted to scream. He ran his hands through his hair and tugged at the back of his head. He rubbed his face harshly then slapped himself with both hands a couple of times before continuing.

“You can’t use this as an excuse to fall apart.”

“Excuse me?” Hinata seethed.

“You heard me,” Kageyama said.

Hinata threw the blanket off of himself and stepped up to Kageyama, “You. Are. Not. My. Dad. Did you hear me or do I have to fucking say it again? How many times do you need to hear something before you can understand it?”

“Whoa,” Kenma said from the door.

He and Kuroo had returned at the greatest of times. Kuroo hovered behind him, shocked to see such venom spew from Hinata’s mouth.

“Okay, let’s talk about understanding,” Kageyama towered over him. “You understand that shit will kill you. Since you only need to hear things once, that’s something you should know already.”

“Whatever,” Hinata started turning away but Kageyama took him by the shoulder.

“No, I’m not done. I understand what happened was terrible. I do not want to minimize that. But this,” he pointed to Kenma’s bed with his free hand, “This is not the way.”

“You wouldn’t know ‘the way’!” Hinata screamed at him. “You have no idea what this is like! ‘Oh, my mom doesn’t want me’,” he mocked. “At least your mom might come back! Mine won’t!”

Hinata stood chest to chest with Kageyama as he breathed heavily. The taller stared coldly down into his angry eyes. He pushed forwards, even though there was no space left between them.

“Tell me. If you continue with this,” Kageyama said with an eerily even voice. “Who will be there when you kill yourself?”

Hinata’s eyes widened. Kuroo’s face went sour and he went to separate them, but Iwaizumi held a hand up to keep him back. Kuroo stayed put.

“That’s what will happen if you keep this up. If you make it a habit. You will kill yourself. You will die. So, tell me, who will be there when you kill yourself?”

Hinata met his gaze, the anger burning him up from the inside out.

“You think it’s going to be them?” Kageyama pointed to Kenma and Kuroo. “No, it won’t be them. If they cared, they wouldn’t have let you touch this shit. You think it’s going to be me?”

He pointed at himself and slowly shook his head.

“I refuse. I will not sit by and watch someone I love willingly destroy themselves. I promise you, Shoyo, it will not be me.”

Hinata’s lip quivered but he did not back down from his stare, “Don’t you think this is an overreaction? I’ve only ever done it twice. Why can’t you learn to relax?”

“You don’t think every addict had the point where they’d only done it twice? Unless I hear you fully understand why this cannot happen again, then… Then, I don’t know.”

“People use it socially all the time.”

“Once in awhile, Hinata! Occasionally! You just did this, what, a month ago? When you promised you wouldn’t do it again?” Kageyama backed away and pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes.

“Not everyone can always mean everything they say. There’s some things you just don’t know,” Hinata crossed his arms.

“Fine,” Kageyama turned his back to him. “Either you promise me right now that you won’t do it again… And you have to mean it, or I’m leaving and I will not be coming back.”

Hinata’s stare bore into the back of his head. The tension built in the room until it plateaued at ‘stifling’.

“Fine,” Hinata strained. Kageyama turned back toward him. “I promise.”

Though he’d never admit it, Kageyama’s heart felt lighter, “Good. The second you break your promise, it’s over.”

“Fine, but for right now I want you to leave,” Hinata glared.

“I couldn’t agree more,” Kageyama said.

He turned on his heel, ignoring the heated stares from everyone in the room and left the dorm with his head held high.


	4. Say Anything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this contains porn. as a warning.

Hinata laid with his head on Iwaizumi’s lap as he spun a volleyball in his hands. Iwaizumi read a textbook while they lounged in the grass outside their dorm.

It’d been about a month since his big blowout with Kageyama. They’d barely talked since then. Kageyama was getting busier as his involvement with the Japan’s Men's Volleyball team increased. Hinata wasn’t very interested in speaking to him, either. He’d humiliated him in front of all of his friends yet again and was unapologetic about it.

He’d been spending more time with Iwaizumi. They had a good talk the night they did cocaine together. Iwaizumi confided in him that his mother had died as well. It was nice to be around someone who didn’t push the topic. He understood how much it sucked to talk about it when you didn’t want to.

It was as though he’d found a rock to keep him from blowing away in the wind. The security was nice. It was different from his friendship with Kenma. Kenma was a good friend, but there was that constant feeling of being studied with him. Whereas with Iwaizumi, there was a silent understanding of ‘it is what it is’.

He never had to pretend to feel a certain way around him, like he did with Kenma. If Iwaizumi noticed something, and Hinata didn’t bring it up, it would go unmentioned. He trusted him to talk about what he needed to. Anything else was irrelevant.

Hinata appreciated Iwaizumi’s ‘listen to hear’ approach to people. It was rare to find someone who really just heard you on all of your levels. Most people spoke, just waiting for their next turn in the conversation. He wasn’t like that. Additionally, he could be physically affectionate without being worried he would try anything. And that actually mattered a lot to Hinata.

“I can physically see your brain calling for help. It’s like a smoke signal. Give it a rest,” Iwaizumi looked down at him.

Hinata snorted as he held the volleyball still, “Yeah, I pity your last two braincells trying to work out that textbook.”

“My last two braincells are stronger than all of yours combined. At least I exercise mine regularly.”

“Touche,” Hinata laughed.

He took out his phone, realizing he hadn’t checked it for awhile. During the last month, he started a Tiktok account. He mainly posted instructional videos on volleyball, but occasionally Iwaizumi would be featured with workout tips. Even rarer than that, though, was some dysfunctional nonsense. It was a good balance, if he said so himself.

He checked his notifications and saw he had a Snapchat from Bokuto, Oikawa, Kageyama and Nishinoya.

He started with Bokuto’s. It was just an empty snap of the net at his practice. He closed it and sent back a photo of the trees above him.

He opened Oikawa’s and it was an extremely close up, and not particularly flattering, picture of Sugawara’s face as he slept. He snapped a picture of Iwaizumi studying and captioned it with ‘ _LOL’._

He took a moment to examine the photo. The tips of his hair were illuminated by the sun, showcasing the warm brown his hair really was, and his green eyes really stood out against his skin. It was a nice photo, so he saved it to his memories before sending it.

He opened Nishinoya’s snap, which was just a black screen, so he sent back a picture of the grass.

Kageyama’s snap was of a coffee cup in a cafe. For some reason, Hinata’s stomach turned in on itself. He swiped down, closing his camera screen, choosing to leave it on read.

Oikawa’s name popped up on the top of his screen before he turned it off so he clicked on it. A photo of his face popped up on his screen with the caption, ‘ _tell him not to hurt himself’._

Hinata snickered as he opened his camera to respond. He pointed the camera inconspicuously at Iwaizumi as he began recording.

“Hey, Hajime!”

Iwaizumi pulled the book away and looked down at him, “Hm?”

“Oikawa told me to tell you not to hurt yourself by studying too hard.”

He squinted at Hinata, a fond smile playing at his lips, “Tell Shittykawa that if he jumped from his ego to his IQ he’d kill himself.”

He turned back to his textbook as Hinata laughed and sent the snap off. He turned off his screen and began tossing the ball above his head.

Iwaizumi peeked at him from his peripheral. Hinata was clearly not sleeping or eating. He had dark bags under his eyes and he was losing a lot of weight, quickly too. He looked away as he bit the inside of his cheek. He knew that Hinata would come to him when he needed to, though. And if not to him, then to someone.

Maybe he could bring it up in a way that didn’t seem like prying. Maybe if he worded it like he was reminiscing? It was possible. But not then. The timing was wrong. Hinata’s phone buzzed several times in a row, but it happened too quickly to be a call. Then, his own phone buzzed twice.

Hinata picked up his phone and Iwaizumi leaned over to see his lock screen.

‘ **Snapchat: Oikawa.**

**Snapchat: Oikawa is typing…**

**Snapchat: Oikawa took a screenshot of your snap!**

**Snapchat: Oikawa replayed your snap!** ’

Iwaizumi furrowed his brow and took out his own phone to look at his notifications.

‘ **Snapchat: #1 Pest.**

 **Snapchat: #1 Pest is typing…** ’

He sighed as he opened Oikawa’s chat.

‘ **#1 Pest:**

_I saw that_

_We need to talk l8r_

**You:**

_No._

**#1 Pest:**

_We never talk anymore_

**You:**

_Call me, then._

**#1 Pest:**

_Im busy rn_

_L8r tho_

**You:**

_Mhm._

**#1 Pest:**

_Dont be mad at me_

_You knew how things were changing when I left_

**You:**

_I’m not mad, asshole._

_Call me later._

**#1 Pest:**

_You cant use all that punctuation and say youre not mad_

**You:**

_Fine shittykawa_

_This better_

_Can you read my tone without punctuation_

**#1 Pest:**

_Lol_

_Ttyl’_

Iwaizumi left the chat on read. He put his phone on the grass and reached for his textbook again. He attempted to focus on the paragraphs, but found himself having to reread the same pages over again.

What had Oikawa meant by ‘I saw that’? That guy stressed him out. He felt Hinata push his book away from underneath him. He looked down and met his eye.

“You seem tense,” Hinata said.

“No, I’m good.”

“You sure?”

“Yep.”

Hinata removed his hand from the textbook and sat up beside him. Iwaizumi went back to reading and Hinata stood up after a moment to stretch.

“I’m gonna go,” Hinata said, picking up his volleyball.

“Okay,” Iwaizumi didn’t look up from his book.

“I’ll see you at practice?”

“Yes, sir.”

He heard Hinata’s footsteps as he walked away through the grass. He looked up after a minute to watch him go with a frown. He shook his head and picked up his phone again and reentered his chat with Oikawa.

‘ **You:**

_What did you mean when you said “I saw that?”’_

It took a minute of him staring at his phone until Oikawa answered.

‘ **#1 Pest:**

_The look on your face in the video short fry sent_

**You:**

_What look?_

**#1 Pest:**

_I’m not sure_

_Ive never seen it b4’_

Iwaizumi frowned. He knew he was catching feelings but he’d been doing his best to shove them down and hide them. He didn’t realize Hinata was recording, but he still kicked himself for letting anything show. He hoped Oikawa only noticed because they’d known each other for so long, and Hinata hadn’t caught on to anything.

‘ **You:**

_Okay._

**#1 Pest:**

_That’s all you have to say for yourself_

**You:**

_Mhm.’_

Iwaizumi closed the chat and ignored the incoming notifications. He closed his textbook and laid back, resting his arms behind his head.

He used to have a thing for Oikawa. The longer time went on since he found Oikawa was dating Sugawara, he wasn’t sure why. He supposed he was probably just lonely and clung to the first person to hang around.

It still hurt when he learned about their engagement, though. Oikawa had called him up immediately after. He sounded so thrilled. He’d just been picked up by Brazil’s volleyball team and then the love of his life agreed to marry him after one joyous year together. Things couldn’t have been better for him.

It was a nightmare for Iwaizumi. Oikawa was the only person who really knew him. Lots of people thought they knew him, but they didn’t really. No one had been there through everything like Oikawa had. So, when he learned his truest friend was leaving him both emotionally and physically, it was a hard pill to swallow.

In the end, Iwaizumi just wanted him to be happy. He deserved that. He found though, that those feelings were transferring over to a particular little ginger. It wasn’t even necessarily a transfer. He hated how genuine and clean the feelings were, despite their wrongness in nature.

He felt truly happy when Hinata was near. Like he could actually be open. They weren’t alone too often, so it was easy to push away. As they spent more time near each other, Iwaizumi was frustrated by how much he came to care about him. It wasn’t supposed to happen that way. He was supposed to be at school, graduate, get an American VISA and get the hell out of dodge.

But his stupid heart always had other plans. And those plans always looked like unavailable, bubbly people with warm eyes and smart mouths.

Similar to his situation with Oikawa, he was doomed to watch Hinata be with someone else. He’d be fine with it, too. Iwaizumi just wanted him to be happy. Only, Hinata didn’t seem happy. Since he first ran into the guy on the first day of the school term, he and Kageyama had been at odds.

It was frustrating to not be able to do anything. Even if Hinata was unhappy, he was still with Kageyama. Iwaizumi doubted he could act on it even if he wasn’t.

The clouds moved quickly above him. He watched them through the branches in the trees. He felt his heart swelling and shrinking as he thought of the wholeness of his emotions and the stalemate that those emotions brought him to.

-

Iwaizumi scrubbed his face with a towel when practice ended. He sat heavily on the bench and caught his breath.

Their coach separated them into teams, and he was opposite to Hinata. The little ball of energy was more intense than normal that day. He was like a blur, speeding from one end of the court to the other. Kenma didn’t even seem able to keep up with him. The ball was never more than a glitch in his vision whenever Hinata had it.

It was exhausting. At a certain point, Iwaizumi gave up on trying to follow the ginger or the ball at all. It was pointless. He only tried again when Hinata mocked him for giving up. He wouldn’t take that sitting down.

But then, it was over and his body caught up to him. He worked too hard. He’d gone a bit soft after all of the practices where he hardly got the ball. He didn’t mind missing most spikes when the setters favored Hinata. He wasn’t going on to play professionally, but Hinata was. Iwaizumi was just happy to see the look on his face whenever he got to score on the other players.

He covered his face with the towel and screamed at himself in his head until he let the thought go. He needed to get a grip. He was losing it.

“Hey.”

Iwaizumi moved the towel and saw Hinata’s shoes in front of him. Damn.

“What’s up?”

“Wanna eat?”

Iwaizumi looked up at him. His face was flushed and he had his own towel slung over his shoulder. He looked down at him, an angle Iwaizumi was unused to. He cursed the warmth in his chest.

“Uh,” he said. “Maybe not tonight.”

“You sure? We all plan on going.”

“Yeah, I have an assignment due soon. Next time.”

“Okay,” Hinata shrugged as he turned around, lifting a hand. “See you.”

“Yeah, see you…” Iwaizumi whispered to himself.

He let his hands fall to between his knees, allowing the towel to drag on the floor. Distance was the best thing for them. He didn’t really have an assignment due so urgently, but he didn’t have another excuse.

He sighed as he stood to go change back to his pedestrian clothes.

-

Kageyama laid in his room, staring at the ceiling. He’d been feeling so empty lately. Nothing seemed to make sense of the fight he was in with Hinata. He knew the longer he ran from it the harder it’d be to face it, but he couldn’t stomach the thought of seeing his boyfriend.

He felt so hurt, and angry, and humiliated. He felt his emotions were belittled. He knew that Hinata had it worse off, for obvious reasons. He knew he was coping from the greatest tragedy he’d ever faced, but… Kageyama didn’t know how to countermeasure that.

His phone buzzed. Then again. Then some more.

He furrowed his brow and picked it up to check his notifications. Before he could see too much, his heart ate itself as he processed only Hinata’s name.

‘ **MESSENGER**

**Hinata Shōyō to KVC**

**Hinata Shōyō to KVC**

**Sawamura Daichi to KVC**

**Azumane Asahi to KVC’**

Their old group chat hadn’t seen action in a very, very long time. It’s what Sugawara had used the night Hinata’s mother had died to get the news to them all, but other than that, it’d probably been a year or so since more than two messages at a time were sent in it. Kageyama wondered what the occasion was.

‘I guess there’s no reason to wonder,’ he thought as he opened the conversation.

‘ **Hinata Shōyō:** _was someone going to tell me yams and tsukki got engaged or was i supposed to find out from insta on my own_

 **Hinata Shōyō:** _hurt and betrayed but E X C I T E D_

 **Sawamura Daichi:** _What? Once again at a disadvantage from not having instagram!_

 **Azumane Asahi:** _OMG CONGRATS!!!!!!!!_

 **Hinata Shōyō:** _everyones just out here getting married_

 **Hinata Shōyō:** _anyone wanna go to vegas w me?_

 **Sugawara Kōshi:** _Hinata stop propositioning the group. CONGRATS TSUKKI AND TADASHI_

 **Hinata Shōyō:** _LOL you guys should have a double wedding_

 **Hinata Shōyō:** _do a little couple swap on the honeymoon_

 **Sugawara Kōshi:** _...Who are you?_

 **Kageyama Tobio:** Congrats guys. Happy for you

 **Nishinoya Yū:** _Can we stop glossing over the fact that that they didnt tell us before they told all of the internet_

 **Tsukishima Kei:** _Well, you all count as part of the internet._

 **Azumane Asahi:** _Bad answer dude_

 **Yamaguchi Tadashi:** _Sorry! I didn’t know Tsukki was goong to post that! I wanted to tell you all first! Thank you for your congratulations!_

 **Yamaguchi Tadashi:** _Going****_

 **Sugawara Kōshi:** _When’s the wedding?_

 **Yamaguchi Tadashi:** _We’re thinking this upcoming march_

 **Sugawara Kōshi:** _Less than a year? That’s ambitious_

 **Tsukishima Kei:** _Not particularly. When’s your wedding?_

 **Sugawara Kōshi:** _You should all be getting mail soon! Keep an eye on the post;)_

 **Tanaka Ryūnosuke:** _Wow, kudos guys! Who’s next? Sheesh y’all need to calm down with this growing up shit_

 **Hinata Shōyō:** _def gonna be asahi and noya_

 **Nishinoya Yū:** _???????????????????????_

 **Hinata Shōyō:** _i mean you can tell me you guys havent fucked at leaat once_

 **Hinata Shōyō:** _itd be a lie tho_

 **Sawamura Daichi:** _Dude…_

 **Hinata Shōyō:** _hey were all thinking it_

 **Yamaguchi Tadashi:** _I was personally thinking it’d be you and Kageyama but_

 **Tsukishima Kei:** _Go off, Hinata lmfao_

 **Sawamura Daichi:** _You guys have been together for like 3 years. Whens that happening?_

 **Hinata Shōyō:** _marriage is a social construct_

 **Kageyama Tobio:** _There you have it._

 **Sugawara Kōshi:** _You guys really never plan on getting married?_

 **Hinata Shōyō:** _whats with the thirds degree LOL who cares_

 **Hinata Shōyō:** _no one really knows whats gonma happen. just roll with the punches ya kmow_

 **Sawamura Daichi:** _Are you drunk or something?_

 **Hinata Shōyō:** _high on life man_

 **Kageyama Tobio:** _Are you drunk? For real?_

 **Hinata Shōyō:** _no dad. calm down. im being a good boy, sitting pretty, studying from my books._

 **Hinata Shōyō:** _kuroos even helping me. gonna ace this test._

 **Hinata Shōyō:** _since youre so concerned. thank you, boyfriend, love you._

 **Tsukishima Kei:** _LMFAO_

 **Azumane Asahi:** _I leave for a minute and now I’m marrying Noya? Haha you guys really are crazy_

 **Tanaka Ryūnosuke:** _I’m best man right?_

 **Nishinoya Yū:** _We’ll have a triple wedding lololol_

 **Tanaka Ryūnosuke:** _Right?_

 **Hinata Shōyō:** _dont forget the couple swap!_

 **Hinata Shōyō:** _gotta go kuroos getting impatient_

 **Hinata Shōyō:** _C O N G R A T S ! ! !_

 **Tsukishima Kei:** _Are we really not gonna talk about that mad shade Hinata just threw on Kageyama?_

 **Yamaguchi Tadashi:** _Thanks Shoyo!!_

 **Kageyama Tobio:** _Dw about it._

 **Tsukishima Kei:** _Oh, I’m not. Hilarious though, really._

 **Kageyama Tobio:** _Thanks Tsukki. Congratulations again. Goodnight’_

He closed out of the app and turned his screen off. That was exhausting. The first time he received an ‘I love you’ from Hinata in over a month and it was sarcastic in the presence of all their friends. That was fantastic.

Did Hinata really not love him anymore? How could that happen so quickly? He never got texts or calls from him, so maybe it really was so. Kageyama didn’t really text or call him, either, though.

‘It goes both ways…’ He thought. 

He picked up his phone again, ignoring the impulse to call Elise for advice because she wasn’t really around to give any anymore. He chewed the inside of his cheek as he debated texting Hinata. He didn’t know if the small chance of a good outcome outweighed the prospect of rejection.

Maybe he’d just try being honest.

He opened his phone and moved to his text conversation with Hinata.

‘ **You:** _Hi_

 **You:** _I really miss you… I wish we talked more. I’m sorry it got like this. I wish it didn’t.’_

His heart sat in his throat, slowly suffocating as he awaited a response. He kept the screen on, tapping it whenever it went dim. He stared intently, panic causing his body to grow cold and numb.

‘ **King💕:** _i miss you too’_

Kageyama almost threw up. So much anticipation, and for once it seemed to pay off. He wasn’t expecting that type of response and he didn’t know what to say.

‘ **You:** _How’s studying going?_

 **King💕:** _blows_

 **King💕:** _im bored as hell’_

Kageyama’s heart was bound to explode as he decided to take another risk.

‘ **You:** _Do you want to come over? I can cook for us_

 **King💕:** _Only if you don’t set an alarm in the morning_

 **You:** _Easy deal_

 **King💕:** _Okay see you soon’_

He beamed down at his screen as it showed him good news for once. It’d been a long time since he got to cook for Hinata. It’d been a long time since he’d even seen his face in person, or kissed him, or especially spent the night with him. He missed him in his bed. He just missed him.

He wanted to tell him he loved him, but he also didn’t want to push his luck. He already got more than he bargained for. He was about to turn off his phone when a new text popped up.

‘ **King💕:** _hey i love you_

 **You:** _I love you, too.’_

Kageyama threw his phone down and clutched his heart as he fell back onto the mattress. He just smiled at the ceiling for a while before getting up and moving to the kitchen to begin prepping.

Just over an hour and a half later, he heard a key turning in the lock of his door. His skin crawled with excitement and anticipation of seeing Hinata. He forced himself to focus on cutting the vegetables in front of him as he heard the door open and close.

His movements faltered for a moment and he closed his eyes as he felt Hinata’s warmth wrap around him. He felt his arms snake around his waist and his forehead rest between his shoulder blades. Kageyama’s body temperature raised at the touch.

He slowly put his knife down and covered Hinata’s hands with his own. Then, he pulled his hands away, turned to face him, and replaced Hinata’s hands on his waist.

At first, Hinata didn’t look at him. He kept his head firmly on Kageyama’s chest. When he did look up, though, those amber eyes crackled with electricity. Kageyama’s heart skipped a beat and his face flushed.

Hinata snuck his hands up Kageyama’s shoulders and pulled him down as he kissed him. The taller boy absolutely savored the feeling of his boyfriend’s lips. He savored his warmth against his body and the smell of his laundry.

He grabbed Hinata by the hips and pulled him closer as he deepened the kiss. He felt hands in his hair and gasped as Hinata pulled. A fire awoke in Kageyama as he stood away from the counter where he previously leaned. He walked forward, backing Hinata up into the far wall, never breaking contact with his lips.

Hinata dragged his hands down the back of his shoulders, grabbing handfuls of his shirt as he went. Kageyama bit his lip, enticing a small groan from him. Hinata wrapped his arms around Kageyama’s neck and pulled himself up so he could wrap his legs around his waist. Kageyama supported him by the thighs, admittedly a fan of the new development.

Kageyama pressed him against the wall so he could use one hand to run along the length of Hinata’s thigh as he moved his lips down his jaw and neck. He bit and sucked an angry, dark mark where his neck met his shoulder as pride ate away at him with every moan he caused.

Hinata’s hands were in his hair, pulling and tugging every time he felt good. He groaned as he pulled Kageyama’s hair hard enough to break his contact with his neck. He crashed their lips together once again with a new drive and hunger.

When Kageyama pulled away for air, he took the opportunity to look at Hinata. His cheeks were pink, and his swollen lips were slightly open as he panted. He stared at Kageyama through the eyelashes on his half-lidded eyes. Fire and electricity came to a head in Kageyama’s gut as Hinata leaned forward and whispered in his ear.

“Fuck me.”

What was he going to do? Say no?

He carried his boyfriend to he bed and leaned down to place him on the mattress. He laid with his arms above his head, knees cocked and legs apart. Kageyama discarded his own shirt to the floor and crawled between Hinata’s legs. He used his hands to push Hinata’s shirt up, as he kissed his way up his stomach and chest. When he reached Hinata’s mouth, he stayed and visited for a moment before pulling his shirt over his head.

He moved back and undid Hinata’s belt and fly before pulling his jeans off, with him helping by lifting his hips for easier access. Kageyama ran his hand along his erection over his underwear and watched Hinata’s eyes close at the contact. He spent a moment just touching him like that, before toying with the elastic to his boxers.

“Don’t be a tease,” Hinata said.

Kageyama laughed as he removed his underwear. He moved down and licked his way up his shaft with the tip of his tongue. He repeated the motion, that time broadening the touch with the bulk of his tongue. He relished in the sound Hinata let out. When he got to the head of his dick, he took it in his mouth and sucked on it.

Hinata’s hand found its way back to Kageyama’s hair as he pushed his head down, causing him to slip and gag. He recovered quickly and bobbed his head at Hinata's discretion. It wasn’t graceful. It was nearly animalistic in nature, but Kageyama took it in good stride.

He pulled away, a thick line of saliva connecting his mouth to Hinata’s cock. He was pulled up by the hair and met his boyfriend’s gaze, who just groaned and threw his head back at the visual.

“Fuck me,” Hinata repeated.

Kageyama stood and undid his own belt and pants, then slid them off along with his underwear. He took himself in his hand and stroked as he looked down at Hinata on his bed.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t have condoms.”

“I don’t care.”

“Okay,” Kageyama crawled back between Hinata’s open legs and kneeled.

He pressed his fingers to Hinata’s mouth and the ginger took them in and sucked on them. He was sure to use more saliva than was normal, as he knew what the purpose was.

Kageyama took his dripping fingers and slowly pushed one into Hinata, who seemed unaffected by it. He moved to the second finger quickly, figuring there was no need to waste time. The second finger seemed to do something for him, but whatever it was did not seem like pain.

Kageyama watched his face intently as he fingered him. His face was red and his brow was furrowed, but not in pain. He seemed to actually be enjoying it. That was new.

“Another,” Hinata said.

“Bossy today,” Kageyama said.

He complied and pushed his ring finger alongside his index and middle ones. Somehow his erection got harder with the sounds of Hinata panting and moaning as he pushed against his fingers.

Kageyama removed his fingers and spit into his hand. He stroked the saliva onto his own erection then positioned the head of it. He used all of his restraint to push in slowly, but Hinata pushed down swiftly to close the gap between them.

Kageyama’s head snapped up as his eyes widened.

‘What the hell?’ He thought.

Hinata’s face showed no sign of anything aside from unadulterated pleasure. Kageyama shrugged it off and began thrusting. He leaned down on one elbow as he got to work, eyes rolling to the back of his head.

In their three years together, they’d only tried actually fucking twice. They each took a turn being the bottom and they both hated it. Kageyama didn’t know what happened between then and now but he couldn’t make himself care in that moment as his dick was surrounded by tight hotness.

Every thrust was harder than the last as every one of Hinata’s moans got louder. The shorter boy’s feet dug into the mattress as he arched his hips up, giving Kageyama a better angle.

Kageyama let out a strangled moan as he threw Hinata’s ankles over his shoulders and leaned down to kiss him. The new position offered Kageyama a new world of pleasure he’d only dreamed about until then.

He had to stop moving if he didn’t want to finish embarrassingly fast, so he did. He spent a moment just kissing Hinata, mouths open, faces becoming slick.

When he’d regained his composure, Kageyama started thrusting again with renewed passion. Hinata all but screamed with each pounding.

“Oh, my goooooooood!” Hinata groaned, fingernails creating raised marks on Kageyama’s back.

Kageyama moaned in Hinata’s ear as he slammed into him. The bed creaked under them, music to Kageyama’s ears. He wanted it so badly.

“Choke me,” Hinata strained.

Kageyama didn’t hesitate. He pushed himself up on one arm and used his other hand to cover Hinata’s throat. He applied a mild amount of pressure. Hinata’s eyes rolled to the back of his head as he continued moaning.

Kageyama found himself becoming angry. He was angry about all the things Hinata had said to him recently. He was angry about his absence. He was angry about the neglect he showed to their relationship. He was angry he used drugs and that he broke his promise. He realized he’d been angry the whole time.

He hadn’t noticed he’d been applying more pressure the angrier he got. He only snapped out of it when he felt Hinata’s nails digging into his wrist. His eyes widened as he loosened his grip some. He didn’t stop moving. His thrusts got harder and more intense.

Hinata forced his legs out from underneath Kageyama and wrapped them around his waist as he flipped them over. He placed his feet on either side of his boyfriend and began riding him like he’d done it twice a day, every day, since he turned sixteen years old.

Kageyama threw his head back as he gripped Hinata’s hips. Their moans melted together and he began thrusting up to meet Hinata on his downswings. It was becoming too much. He reached out and took Hinata’s erection in his hand and stroked.

His motions were jerky and inconsistent, but they were fast and eager. He looked up at Hinata, who had his head back as he rode and moaned. He settled down over Kageyama’s dick as he yelled out.

“Aw, fuck. Oh, my god. God.”

Hinata shot thick ropes of cum all over himself and Kageyama. The latter helped him ride out his orgasm before pushing him off and onto his knees. Kageyama stood and pushed his dick into Hinata’s mouth.

Hinata took his erection into his mouth expertly. He pushed it to the back of his throat, then even further. He allowed Kageyama to fuck his face as he neared his orgasm. When Hinata noticed his legs locked, he pulled his boyfriend’s dick from his throat and stroked it fastly and firmly until he had a face full of cum.

He stared up at Kageyama as he took his finger and wiped it through the cum on his cheek and pulled it into his mouth.

Kageyama crashed down beside him after taking his discarded shirt from the floor and wiped himself clean, then handed it to Hinata. He put one arm behind his head and closed his eyes. He could feel Hinata shifting beside him before he felt his head on his chest and his hair tickling his chin. Kageyama took his free hand and pet Hinata’s hair.

There was an incessant buzzing coming from the floor. Kageyama assumed it was Hinata’s phone. He, personally, was more than happy to ignore it. Hinata had other plans, though, as he groaned and stood to retrieve it. While he was up, he put his underwear back on.

He flopped back next to Kageyama and turned his phone screen on. Kageyama watched over his shoulder and his eyebrows raised at the number of notifications he had. He knew there was a lot of buzzing, but wow.

‘ **Tiktok: 2.4K New Notifications.**

**Snapchat: 15 New Notifications.**

**Messenger: 3 New Messages.**

**Messenger: Iwaizumi Hajime sent a Photo.**

**Missed Call from Oikawa.**

**Text Messages: 27 New Messages.** ’

He thought briefly to his own phone, that nearly constantly stayed unbothered by any form of notifications and frowned. Who were all the messages from? Since when did he have so many friends?

He supposed Hinata was always rather social, but he’d been with him for three years and never saw his phone blow up like that. He’d presumably been on his phone before he got to Kageyama’s, too. So he got all of those within the short time he’d been there?

He watched his boyfriend open his Snapchat and examined the names. He only didn’t recognize about three or four of them. Kageyama watched him go through and answer a few, and noticed there were a lot more than just fifteen unanswered conversations.

Hinata pulled down the notification screen and scanned over what people had sent him before just turning his screen off and placing his phone at his side.

“Shouldn’t you call Oikawa back?” Kageyama asked.

“Nah, I’ll call him later. We call once a week but I guess I missed him.”

“You call once a week?” Kageyama squinted down at him.

“Yeah? Why?”

“No reason,” Kageyama said. “You have a Tiktok account?”

“Yeah, it’s mostly just volleyball stuff.”

“Seems like it’s doing well.”

“There’s normally an influx in notifications after I post with Kuroo.”

“Ah.”

The silence grew between them like a cancer. It was dense and hard to breathe in. They’d fallen so out of touch that they didn’t know where to start when the sexual tension was broken. Kageyama didn’t want to ask why Hinata suddenly enjoyed being a bottom, he got the feeling he didn’t want to know.

“Dinner?” Kageyama finally asked.

“Yeah.”

-

Hinata got back to the dorms the next morning in the same clothes he left in. That was his own fault for not packing a bag. He rubbed his forehead as he passed through the halls, taking the appropriate turns and stairs. His body felt like it was caving in on itself and his head felt like it was split.

He physically ran into Kuroo just outside his door and went to snap before noticing who it was. Kuroo stared down at him with raised eyebrows.

“Uh, hey, man. You feeling okay?”

“Uh huh,” Hinata said.

“Where were you last night? You never answered Kenma. We were worried.”

“Kageyama’s.”

“Oh, word?” Kuroo’s eyebrows lifted further.

Hinata just nodded as he pushed by him to enter the room so he could take a nap. He walked right to Kenma’s desk and lifted some Ibuprofen from his stash, swallowed it down with an old water bottle and climbed into his bed.

He was woken rudely awake by someone shaking him. He startled and sat up, met with Iwaizumi’s aggressive glare. He fell back onto his bed and groaned loudly as he rubbed his face.

Iwaizumi looked down at him with crossed arms. He hadn’t shown up to practice on time once that week, then he found him fully asleep, not even trying to get there.

“The hell is wrong with you?” He demanded.

“What?” Hinata looked up at him.

“Why aren’t you showing up to practice? Isn’t volleyball your one true passion?”

“Sorry. I’m tired.”

Iwaizumi eyed him up, “Whatever. Just show up next time.”

“Wait, it’s over?” Hinata checked the clock.

9:23 PM.

Damn. He really slept all day?

“Yeah.”

“Why didn’t Kenma wake me when he went?” Hinata asked as he got up.

“He said he tried.”

“Oh,” Hinata faced away from him as he stretched.

“Are you feeling okay?”

He furrowed his brow as he turned to look at Iwaizumi, “Yeah, why?”

“Checking in.” Iwaizumi kept his eyes fixed on the ginger. He couldn’t help but notice all the bruises around his neck, “You should eat something. You’re getting too damn skinny.”

Hinata held his arms out to examine them. He didn’t think he was losing any weight. He was eating whenever he was hungry, so what was the problem? He was pretty hungry at the time of the conversation, though.

“That’s a good idea. Want to come?”

“I have to study.”

Hinata frowned at him, “Okay.”

Iwaizumi still had his arms crossed and a sour look on his face. Hinata wasn’t sure why he was so angry, it was just one practice. Hinata looked down, sighed, and walked to Iwaizumi to place his hands on his shoulders.

He boldly met his eye, “I’m sorry.”

“That’s not what I want to hear.”

“What do you want to hear?”

“I’m...not sure,” Iwaizumi looked away.

Hinata frowned deeper. Those things were intensely out of character for Iwaizumi. He supposed he didn’t know him all that well. It was still early enough that everything Hinata thought he knew could have been a lie.

“Come get dinner. I’m buying,” Hinata smiled.

Iwaizumi pushed his hands from his shoulders and turned, “Fine.”

They walked in silence out of the dorm. Iwaizumi was giving off some pretty nasty energy, there was something he wasn’t saying. Hinata silently decided to give him the same amount of respect and space he’d allowed him and didn’t say anything. He knew if Iwaizumi needed to talk, he would.

“Where’d you go last night?”

“Kageyama’s,” Hinata muttered, subconsciously pulling the collar of his jacket higher on his neck.

“I take it you talked it out?”

“Ah,” Hinata chuckled anxiously. “There actually wasn’t much talking… I don’t think we know how to do that anymore.”

He wasn’t sure why talking to Iwaizumi about Kageyama felt so dirty. It felt so wrong. He felt like he was betraying everyone involved and that frustrated him because he didn’t understand why.

He glanced over to his friend when he never answered. Iwaizumi watched the ground with his hands in his pockets. He looked at how his jacket draped over his hands where they lay in his jean pockets. He could smell his cologne from where he was. The way the lowering sun cast gold light onto his skin made him look—

“ _Oh, SHIT,’_ Hinata thought.

He hurriedly looked away from Iwaizumi. His cheeks deepened in color as his heart rate increased. No, he wasn’t about to think that. The word ‘ _gorgeous’_ was certainly not about to cross his mind. What was wrong with him?

He sneaked a look back at Iwaizumi. If he noticed Hinata’s strange behaviour, he said nothing. Such was the nature of them. The gold light on his skin… The gold light in his _eyes._ Shit, his eyes were on him.

“What?” Iwaizumi stopped walking.

Hinata definitely recognized the look on his face from when he’d be annoyed with Oikawa. He didn’t like the feeling of that look on him.

“Nothin’,” Hinata breathed, stopping a few steps ahead.

“You’re being weird,” Iwaizumi mumbled as he walked by him. “Fix your face.”

“Right!” Hinata laughed breathily as he jogged to catch up.

-

Kageyama got out of the shower and dried off. He wrapped the towel around his waist when he caught himself in the mirror. He turned a bit to see the raised marks on his back.

His stomach twisted. It was a terrible mixture of lust, warmth, anger and shame. He could still feel the ghost of Hinata’s hands creating those marks. He wanted him back in his bed to make some more. He wanted to make him scream but he also wanted to make him cry. That’s where the shame came in.

He wanted to let go of his anger, but until they actually talked about something nothing would change. Whenever he’d go to bring it up, panic would seize him and nothing would come out of his stupid mouth. Words really were the enemy.

He looked into his own eyes. He felt so lonely. Every day, in that apartment by himself. He found most days, he didn’t even answer texts. That was if he got any at all. He sighed and tore his eyes away from his reflection.

He walked into his room and stared at his bed. Just yesterday, he’d taken Hinata there. Only the third time he’d ever been laid and he was nearly nineteen years old. He supposed that was the same for Hinata. They’d just have to make up for lost time.

He grabbed his phone and opened his text conversation with Hinata.

‘ **You:** _Come over._

 **King💕:** _right now?_

 **You:** _Yes._

 **King💕:** _why?’_

What could he say? He decided to be honest.

‘ **You:** _Tryna fuck_

 **King💕:** hm is that so

 **You:** _Yes, so bring that fine ass here_

 **King💕:** _yes daddy’_

His eyes nearly fell out of his. His stomach twisted. He’d never been called that before, but… He liked it. He _really_ liked it. He silently decided Hinata would refer to him as nothing but for the rest of their lives. Where had that submissive Hinata come from?

‘ **King💕:** _im at dinner rn but i will be there right after’_

He checked the time. It was around ten at night, a bit late for dinner. He chose not to comment and ruin the mood.

‘ **You:** _Being late comes with a penalty._

 **King💕:** _dont tempt me with a good time_

 **King💕:** _what kind of penalty_

 **You:** _Hope you don’t have to find out._

 **King💕:** _idk might have to get lost before i come over_

 **King💕:** _i want you to choke me so hard i cant beg anymore’_

 _‘Wow,’_ he thought as he stared at his phone in shock. 

‘ **King💕:** _i want that big cock fucking me so hard that my brain invents new colors_

 **King💕:** _i dont wanna remember my own name when youre done with me, daddy’_

Kageyama chewed on his lip as he pushed down on the tent that’d formed in his towel. That wasn’t the Hinata he knew. Not at all. But he was going to enjoy it regardless. Rejecting this new form of his boyfriend wouldn’t bring the old form back.

‘ **You:** _Aren’t you at dinner?_

 **King💕:** _yeah ive kinda created a problem for myself_

 **You:** _See you soon._

 **King💕:** _mhm’_

He laid back on his bed and stared at the ceiling with one arm behind his head. He allowed his brain to pick over every little dirty thing he was going to do when his boyfriend arrived. His eyes grew heavy as time passed. He silently decided he would break Hinata. He wanted to make him cry. Shame bloomed in his chest as the idea made his heart race.

He was awoken by a sharp pull in his gut and a warmth around his crotch. His eyes startled open and he looked down to see orange hair between his legs. He tangled his fingers in his boyfriend's hair and threw his head back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im a stranger to writing sex scenes so i hope it wasnt too bad lmao


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